Years Of Tears

I'm sitting here bawling, and I'm entirely aware that it's because I haven't taken my Effexor yet tonight (sheesh, it's amazing what taking it even an hour late will do to a girl), but the pain is real nonetheless.

I had to get it out. It really helps, instead of sitting here crying, to type out what I'm feeling and release it into cyberspace. Then I can move on.

So, it has been almost 7 years since our twin boys were born, 7 years since one (Robby) died three days later. We're quickly approaching that date.

It's been a long time. I know it has. I don't sit here and cry about Robby day in and day out anymore like I used to, but certain things will trigger a wellspring of emotion in me that I don't expect.

Many times, those triggers have to do with living in Guam. We lived there for just four months, but it was smack-dab in the middle of the twin pregnancy, and almost every day was a highly emotional one. We were worried about the boys, their health, their safety - and, often, mine, as I kept fainting and other stuff. We lived through the worst Supertyphoon on record. It was a rollercoaster period for us, but when I think about my twins, I often go back to Guam in my mind, because they were still both healthy and alive then, and everything was okay.

Anyway. We lived on the Air Force base there, at the north of the island, in Yigo. Living on base for the first time came with its own set of concerns and problems and, yes, joys. Living on base has absolutely nothing to do with my being pregnant with twins, except that it has everything to do with it, because the two things coincided completely in time.

So when I was reading another blog just now, the writer said, "but we live on base, so..." and that was all it took. That was the trigger. I just burst out with sobs, the tears started pouring out, and I was right back there in Guam, pregnant with my baby boys. And Robby was alive.

It makes no damn sense. I admit that. But the heart doesn't care.

So.

I'm off to take that Effexor....

Fin.

Comments

[Nicole Pierre]

Not that it is the same thing AT ALL, but I miss my dad hugely (he died 8 years ago) and little things will unexpectedly remind me of him. Sometimes I feel like the grief, which never goes away but is sometimes made almost new (if that makes any sense at all) is what I have left. That and the terrible sense of smell that I managed to inherit.

[Visty]

I imagine that when you are a happy, crabby 80 year old grandma with a gaggle of grandchildren you will still have your moments to cry and remember Robby. That's okay, because he deserves that and you're a good mama.

[Stephanie]

Hugs Mel, its ok to get it out & have a good cry occasionally. I haven't had my meds in 2 days & I couldn't sleep & was bawling myself last night. I was trying to stay awake to listen to Luke breathe--that's how real the fear was. I'm so sorry you had a bad night! Hugs!

[Sara Elizabeth @ Geeky Pet Mommy]

The heart feels what it feels, and that's ok. I know it hurts like hell at times, and boy don't I know it. I will pray that your heart heals from this pain quickly.

((hugs))