Dear Miami Hurricanes,
Please don't suck against the FSU Seminoles tonight, like you did a few weeks ago against the Ohio State Buckeyes. I'm sorry I'm not there in person to root for you in this game of games, but please, don't let me down. Now that I've decided to keep up with you again, get out there and kick some boo-tay!
A Loyal Alumna
A Loyal Talla-hater
Dear Contact Lenses,
It really doesn't work when you jump out of your cases and get mixed up. Then I can't even see to fix you. Well, unless I close one eye and cross the other, tilting my head a little to the side. And you know what? I really can't drive that way.
The Moron Who Refuses To Take Responsibility
Dear Father of Two Cute Boys,
You're handsome and all, and I know I'm pretty much adorable right now, but I saw that ring on your finger. Did you see the one on mine? Keep it in your pants.
Not Gonna Happen
Dear Diet Coke,
I'm going to leave my husband for you, and we'll make beautiful babies together. It'll be historical, a human-carbonated beverage mating. Our kids will probably be sterile, but delicious. What do you think?
When you run out of gas once, it's understandable and forgiveable. When you run out of gas the second time in the same week, it's a lot more annoying. And then the third time, an hour after the last time, when you're on your way home for my shrink appointment, that I'm now going to miss? Maybe you shouldn't be so surprised when I'm a little bit pissed. I'm just sayin'.
The Ol' Ball and Chain
P.S. I totally waited over a half-hour for the kids to wake up, before I came to rescue you. Sorry.
Please jump into my wallet.