No, this isn't going to be a funny post worthy of Jeff Foxworthy, sorry. It's just to get things off my chest and, hopefully, feel better than I am right now.
If you don't want to "hear" me kvetch about BPD yet again, then just don't read this one. I'll be back again later with something a little lighter.
I was talking to a friend the other day and, because it was relevant to the conversation, said to her, "You know I'm bi-polar, right?"
Her altogether exasperating reply was, "I think all of us are that way, a little bit," or something along those lines.
Seriously, people, don't say that to someone who is suffering from a - yes - deadly disease. Unless you have actually been diagnosed with that disease or honestly, truly think you should be, in which case, get your damn self to the doctor already. You don't tell people your liver is a little bit cancerous, or you have a slight case of diabetes, or your child might not live to see their 8th birthday because of a touch of cystic fibrosis. And if you do, well, you're an asshole, and you should get off my page right now, m'kay?
Bi-polar disorder, and other mental diseases, are not jokes, and they're not universal. Everyone is NOT bipolar because sometimes they feel happy and sometimes they feel sad. Give me a fucking break.
When I say I suffer, I mean that I really, truly, honest-to-God suffer. And so does everyone in my family, and some other people who might get in my way at the wrong damn time.
I've been suffering a lot lately. What I mean by that is, in addition to the "regular" BPD stuff I deal with on a daily basis like the obvious mood swings, lack of control over my emotions, hyper-emotionality, and being dependent on drugs to make me feel and behave halfway like a human being, there have been other things going on. I'm pretty sure they are 100% related to the newest med Dr. P. put me on, so I went to see him this evening to get things switched around. Again. For the billionth time, because there is no reliable drug cocktail for everyone with BPD. You don't just get a script for anti-biotics and the crazy goes away. It's a squirmy, unwieldy, in my case giant pest, and the only way to get rid of it is to kill yourself, which really is kind of what everyone's trying to avoid by putting you on the medicines in the first place. You see the problem?
So I saw Dr. P., who asked me what was wrong, why I feel like the medicine is a problem. "Well," I started... and then I went into my litany of complaints: I feel like I'm dependent on it, because my whole body hurts when I feel like I have to take it. And I get twitches and major muscle spasms until I do take it. And I feel like that more and more often, in shorter and shorter periods of time, which I don't like one little bit.
Oh, and I'm having lots of suicidal ideation... "Plans?" he interrupted. "Just the thoughts and feelings, or do you have a plan?" They always ask that, you know. If you don't want to get locked right up, you better tell them it's just thoughts. "Just the thoughts," I said, truthfully.
Oh, and I'm having visual hallucinations in my the periphery of my right eye, a few times every day. "Take your glasses off and stand up," he sighed. He sighed because that meant actually doing something for me beside writing out a new script. Dr. P. likes to just get them in and get them out, and not actually have to deal with real problems. That's probably not really true and I'm just in a bitchy mood. Anyway, he gave me a little eye test and said, "Well, your pupils are normal, so only you can decide whether they are true hallucinations or not."
"Well, how do I do that?"
He stared at me. I blinked. He blinked. "I get them every day, about three times a day. I see something there. I swear it's there. Standing RIGHT next to me, about to touch me. But it's never there when I turn my head."
He scribbled on the pad some more.
Oh, and I'm having a major bout with paranoia. This made him huff and puff a little bit. "Now you're giving me too much information!" he huffed out, walking out of the room. He came back with a medication sample. "You keep telling me things. This changes everything. Is there anything else?"
Not that I can think of. I figured I'd think of something major and crucial on the way home, but I still haven't. So hopefully that was all.
I left with one of my three meds staying exactly the same, another one increased, and the one I hate being switched to a new guy that I've taken before and can't remember exactly why I stopped.
Honestly, I've been on so many brain-altering chemicals, I should probably be keeping a list somewhere. But like running my life, I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants a little bit. Wing it, if you will. Doctors love that. "Have you taken this before?" "Uh, I think so?" "When? How much? What for? Why did you stop?" "Uh... I forget, it either made me more suicidal or turned my shit green."
I made that last part up, but you get the idea.
So anyway, I start the new-old medicine in about ten minutes. Cross your fingers.
And yup, I feel better now.
Fin.
P.S. I really didn't have a bi-polar category before? Dude. I am NOT going to go back and re-tag all those posts. Not. (Maybe I will. I have OCD, too. But just a little. Heh.)
Thank you, Nic xoxoxo
Posted by: Smellyann | 24 April 2011 at 03:32
Cripes. I have nothing interesting, productive, or helpful to add - but I wanted you to know that I read your post and have empathy.
Posted by: Nicole Pierre | 24 April 2011 at 00:55
Thanks, darlin! xoxox
Posted by: Smellyann | 22 April 2011 at 17:04
I hope the new meds are treating you better and most importantly that YOU are feeling better!!! hugs to you....
Posted by: Gloria Castano | 22 April 2011 at 16:27
Thanks for the comments, Naomi. I'm glad you understand but am sorry that you do, as well!
~mel
Posted by: Smellyann | 21 April 2011 at 23:27
the joys of mental illness. i live with chronic clinical depression. aggravating that is that my thyroid is malfunctioning and that also influences mood (downward in my case)i'm lucky in that i'm only on the 2nd type and it's been working well at the same dose for a few years now. i fear the thought of having to go on a search for what works if the celexa stops working.
many people don't understand that what we feel isn't just sad, it's not just a blue day. it's mind numbing bleakness, a life of grey that medication helps mitigate with some colour and uplifting breezes. but there's always looming clouds around.
hand in hand with the depression is anxiety that makes for interesting times when other stress levels rise.
people who don't live with depression simply don't know and can be incredibly insensitive about what it's like for me on a day to day basis.
i've had a plan for years. it's never altered. does that make me more at risk? who knows? for now i'm able to function well.
Posted by: naomi | 21 April 2011 at 23:10
I totally get that, Carey. I often think about slamming my van into a wall at super high speed, too. And every day IS a chore, sometimes every hour. We have to just take it day-by-day, right? Hey we're going to be in FL in May... but kinda far, in Bradenton Beach. Maybe we could meet in the middle though. If not, we plan on moving down there in a couple years when Rob retires, so we could meet up then. :)
~m
Posted by: Smellyann | 20 April 2011 at 22:42
Thanks Mel!
My plan changes as well, already did the OD thing. DH threw away every pill in the house that I don't currently take, but I have a spare bottle he did not find. Lately, thinking about driving into a canal, but we have not had any rain, so I will just fuck that one up and they will send me back to the loony bin! If we had a gun, I'd be toast!!! It seems so selfish, but everyday is such a chore!
Posted by: Carey | 20 April 2011 at 22:35
He's kind of an ass, but he knows what he's doing, so that's why I stick with him. But I'm used to his ass-ness now, and it's fun to piss him off. :D
And thanks! I'm actually on an upswing now, after writing that post - and the responses it's gotten. Hope it lasts more than just through tonight!
~m
Posted by: Smellyann | 20 April 2011 at 22:30
Major anxiety disorder here, too, babe!! Well it's good to know someone who can truly relate, anyway, right??? I always have a plan, too, although I do switch it up now and then. Right now it's more like wanting to cut myself, instead of my old standby, ODing on an entire bottle of pills. But if I had access to a gun... well, I made hubby sell off his entire firearm collection when we got married.
Anyway, I hope you feel better, too, Carey! ♥
~m
Posted by: Smellyann | 20 April 2011 at 22:27
Forgot to say I'm sorry you've been feeling so crappy. ((((HUGS))))
Posted by: Stephanie S. | 20 April 2011 at 22:26
Your doctor SUCKS! You're giving him too much information? OMG. My doctor sucks, too. Can you find someone new?
Posted by: Stephanie S. | 20 April 2011 at 22:25
OMG, story of my life!!! So funny (not really in a haha way), but I have been having such a hard week with my bi-polar and yes I am a full on devotee! I also have severe depression, OCD and major anxiety. I have an interesting coctail as well, just changed it up a few months ago (anti-depressent, mood stabalizer and anti-anxiety with a muscle relaxer). I also get the same questions about my "suicidle thoughts", I have OCD, so I always have a fucking plan!
Feel better,
Carey
Posted by: Carey | 20 April 2011 at 22:21