Smellyann Strikes Again

Saturday 9: That's Why God Made The Radio

Link up here if you're playing along today!

Saturday 9: That's Why God Made The Radio

1. The Beach Boys are back together (everyone alive, Dennis and Carl have passed, including Brian) for the first time in 25 years. It's their 50^th Anniversary tour. Their new single is called, “That's Why God made the Radio”. Did radio play a huge part of your growing up years?

Absolutely. 93Q out of Syracuse, NY, was my morning radio show while getting ready for school. More Z89, too, but mostly the former. We were always taping songs off the radio on our giant boomboxes!

2. What is something that you are disappointed about right now?

 

A friend called me out on something, a particular personality flaw of mine, and I disagreed with her... but upon further reflection, I've realized she's right.

 

3. What are you really anticipating right now?

 

Payday! (What else is new?)

 

4. When was the last time you watched your favorite movie? What is it?

 

It's been a long time since I've seen either Grease or Dirty Dancing, my two favorites, I think... but I did watch the original Karate Kid within the past few months, and that's on the top 10 list.

 

5. If you could bring one person back from the dead, who would it be?

 

My son, my baby boy, my living son's identical twin, my angel...

 

6. Who was the last person you hung up on?

 

My father. I'll probably never, ever speak to him again. Jerk.

 

7. Does it bother you when meme makers separate questions that could've been combined?

 

It's not something I've ever even thought about, so no.

 

8. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

 

Elephants. They're my favorite land animal.

 

9. What is the food you always buy at the grocery store that you can't live without?

 

Well, I don't always buy them, but I always look yearningly at the hummus and Wholly Guacamole, if they aren't on my rigidly-stuck-to lists.

 

See you on the next post, peeps!

 

Fin.

Sunday Stealing: The OC 25 Meme

Link up here if you're playing along today! Happy Easter/Passover to all who celebrate!

Sunday Stealing: The OC 25 Meme

1. What is your origin of your first name? What about any nicknames?

My mom just randomly came up with it. I was supposed to be "Eleanor" after my dad's mom, or "Clayton" if I was a boy, but when my dad wasn't in the room, my mom quickly put down "Melanie" instead. Hee! I've come to appreciate that, although my elementary school BFF was Eleanor, so of course I had wanted that to be my name then. My middle name is Ann, so my dad always called me "Mellie Ann," which my wonderful older sister changed to "Smellyann" at some point. And there you have it.

2. Have you any claims to fame?

Apparently, I'm meant to be a writer. In college, I came in second (or third?) in a huge poetry contest - you've probably seen the ads for it - and my published poem was analyzed in the front of the anthology in which it appeared. I was supposed to have my boys' and my story published in the Chicken Soup for the Twins Soul book, but apparently they decided it was too sad and took it out later on, which is fine with me. And more recently, my "Works for Me Wednesday" pets edition blahg post was published in a book called That Works For Me! or something like that; I had to give the proper permissions and all that. I've always been a pretty decent writer and thought I've had more poetry and maybe a novel rattling around in there, but I haven't been able to get started. We'll see if that ever comes to fruition.

3. If you were famous, how would you introduce yourself to someone who had never heard of you?

The same way I do now, I suppose: I'd have the head of my huge entourage do it. Heh.

4. Which of your country's achievements do you hold in highest regard?

Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation couldn't have come soon enough; I think it just edges out winning the American Revolution. JMHO

5. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

First, I wanted to be a teacher and librarian. As I grew up, though, I wanted to be a marine biologist. And until I got married, I was one. For a brief time, I was livin' the dream I grew up having. Now, I'm happier things worked out this way. I wouldn't change a thing, except for maybe a fatter wallet..

6. What was your most prized possession as a child? Do you still have it?

It was my red-and-white stuffed puppy dog named Snowflake, who eventually was missing an ear. The other ear had holly leaves and berries on it. I loved that puppy. I don't know what happened to her.

7. What would you change about yourself, if you could?

Pfft. What wouldn't I? That would be a shorter list. I would take away the Bi-Polar Disorder from which I suffer (as do those around me, I'm afraid), and I would give myself more strength of character. People who know the sorts of things I've been through always tell me what a strong person I am, but I don't feel that way. I feel like a weak, meek little mouse. My therapist tells me I am progressing though - she told me recently that I was "individuating," since I am no longer seeking my father's approval. I laughed and said it was high-time at 35, but she says she sees people much older than I am who haven't gotten that far and wow! I am babbling! Anyway, physically, I'd get my plastics to remove the skin I have hanging around (literally) after my 200+-lb weight loss.

8. What are you obsessed with?

Yarn. Picking at myself. My husband's nuts. Jafra. Couponing. And more yarn.

9. What is your greatest achievement so far, or the high point of your career?

Oh, I've received my fair share of academic accolades, but my proudest achievement was winning "Class Giggler" in 3rd grade. I still have the certificate!

10. When/where were you happiest?

January 2, 2001: The day we eloped was the most blissful day in my life. I'll never, ever forget that high.

11. And the lowest point in your life thus far?

March 25, 2003: The day I held my older twin son as he shuddered taking his last breath. Nothing is worse than outliving your child.

12. What was the best decision you ever made?

Marrying Rob! He is so good for, and to, me. We both have our share of shortcomings, but I definitely ended up with the better end of the deal. God knew what he was doing when he brought me this man.

13. If you have any body modifications, which was most painful, or which do you regret the most? If you haven't got any, do you have any planned, or would you ever consider getting any?

Other than four piercings in each ear, I have a nose ring. So that was the most painful. I haven't fully decided on getting a tattoo, but if I do, it'll be a joint one with Rob, honoring our four children together.

14. What is the most idiotic thing you have ever done while intoxicated?

We don't have to go there, do we? Let's not. Maybe the next time I get that intoxicated, which will be never, I'll share that story with y'all. ;) Let's just say I'll probably never drink Goldschläger again!

15. What is your favorite joke?

I am so terrible at remembering things like jokes and movie quotes. Asking me to tell a joke is putting me on the spot. I like stupid jokes anyway, like this one:

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

16. What is the coolest/most impressive thing you own?

You mean aside from my iPhone? (You know I love that dang thing.) Okay, let me think on it a minute... probably the Britto. We bought a limited edition giclée of his called Deep Night Romance on our Mediterranean cruise, and it sums up our love for each other beautifully.

17. When did you last cry, and why?

I cried a little bit last night, thinking about this coming Monday. It'll be the 28th anniversary of my mom's death, and I always get a little weepy.

18. What's the best piece of advice you've ever had?

Surprisingly, it came from my dad. I'll paraphrase: "Don't let anyone rob you of your joy."

19. Similarly, what's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you?

A semi-anonymous benefactor helped me pay for my college degree, the day I was going to get kicked out for non-payment of my classes. Biggest relief of my life!

20. Have you any vices?

I'm too self-indulgent.

21. Do you regret anything?

No regrets. I live for today, and tomorrow. There are things I wish I'd done differently, but I didn't, and I have learned and grown from them.

22. What is the best invention ever?

Hello?! The iPhone! lol

23. How would you describe your relationship with your family?

I have a very small living family. My mom is gone, my dad and I aren't speaking at the moment, and my sister and I are as close as we can possibly be from a distance. I love that broad! ♥

24. Who is your biggest inspiration?

Anyone with deep emotional fortitude, who can come through a tragedy and not completely fall to pieces. Well, falling to pieces isn't the thing, but someone who can pick up those pieces and make life work again - that's inspiring to me.

25. What are you going to do when you've finished Sunday Stealing?

Work on my April/May Jafra newsletter, a week later than I'd planned. Oops.

Happy Easter!

Fin.

When The Going Gets Tough...

Yesterday, Sunday, was the ninth anniversary of our son Robby's death. I always keep a three-day vigil, during what was once his short little life, and hope for a different outcome. It's always the same in the end, of course, but I do it just the same. I imagine I'm not the only mother to do this. Saturday, Day Two, was my "I'm so angry, I gotta MOVE" day, so I broke out the long-neglected rollerblades and went for an hour-long spin all over the neighborhood:

I hate how I look in these pictures, but there's nothing I can do about that right now, short of plastic surgery. Plus, I had shorts on under the skirt, so my butt looks enormous. Hee. Oh, well.

Sunday was the actual anniversary. I woke up sobbing around 0300. Sophia, to my chagrin, came down to find out what was the matter. I explained about Robby, and she went to fetch Daddy, who came to comfort me. My nose always expands about 300-fold when I cry really hard, I think:

I don't know why I took the picture; I just love the iPhone's Instagram app so much!

When I'm stressed, aside from taking my pills, I have to do something to de-stress, and my go-to hobby of choice is knitting. And so, for the first time in a month, or maybe two?, I started hexipuffing:

At long last, I broke into my delightful mini-skeins from The Knitting Goddess, pulling out Summer Sun first because it was just the cheery colorway I needed at the moment. Each mini makes, for me, three full puffs with enough for maybe 1/3-to-½ of another. Plenty; I was expecting two!When I finished that trio, I napped. For a very long time.

When I finished that trio, it was about two house later, or perhaps three, so I went down to "my" 7-Eleven for a Diet Coke and a white rose. I was in luck; they actually had one nearly-perfect specimen. Just one:

In past years, we let go a slew of baby blue balloons for a happy-birthday message to the wee laddie, but the environmentalist in me could no longer stomach that. I took to Facebook for suggestions and got a number of lovely ideas, but the one we decided to go with was letting rose petals go in the water for him. Hence the rose.

We got this stone out of a catalog years ago, maybe the first year, and it sits out in the front "lawn" with the rest of the stones that our living trio made with their hand- and footprints and various stones and marbles.

I started to knit some more, but by then I was exhausted again, physically and emotionally, so I napped. For a very long time.

At last, Rob was waking me up, telling me it was time we go let the petals free in the water. It was a cold, rainy day, just the sort of day for such a thing, I suppose, so we bundled up and headed out to Chick's Beach. It's normally a very calm beach with soothing waters and empty sands, much more suitable than the oceanfront for such an endeavor, but we were in for it this time. The tide was in, and the storm had riled things up quite so; we got soaked and froze our little selves to death!

Jack took his petals from me and went first:

Next up was big sister Chloë:

She placed her petals in so delicately for her brother, true to form.

Sophia went next:

Unlike her more dainty older sister, Sophia, who is a bit more... brutish, shall we say... rather dumped hers into the water. All well and good. I told them each to do it however they wanted to do.

Daddy was the penultimate petal-pusher, before taking the camera from me:

Poor Rob got absolutely soaked and frozen to the bone. I wore shorts and Crocs, so I was good:

I decided to just fling my petals all out at once, just as the wind blew in my face. Um, that plan therefore backfired, and my petals wound up all over the beach. Ah, well! I enjoyed the experience immensely; we'll be back to do it again next year.

Before we left the beach, Jack placed the rose stem and the sprig of Baby's Breath into the water for his brother and Robby's pals, before taking off running up the beach when the waves overtook him. Time to go.

When we got home, everyone showered except me, to get warm and rid themselves of wet and sandy clothes. And so, I wound a ball of the Goddess' "Twirl" colorway - it's beachy-hued and appropriate, right? - and knit three more puffs before taking another wee nap.

When I awoke, it was after 2300, just in time to go on my errand of bringing a friend to work, and now here we are, catching you up with Vigil 2012. I'm about to dig into another Goddess colourway; this time, it'll be Soft Sky:

Maybe I'll have a few to show you on th'morrow, or maybe I won't and we'll just do our regular school routine. Until the next time, my loves, carry on and be well.

Fin.

Sunday Stealing: The Last March Meme

Link up here if you're stealing today - or stalling, as I originally typed...

1.) Which TV character do you think you are most like?

Dexter. Except I don't actually kill people. I get him, though.

2) What time do you go to bed?

Whenever. Sometimes I don't. Normal sleep schedules have eluded me since birth. My parents used to stick me in my crib in the basement because I'd be up all night...



3) What was the last meal you made from scratch?

Pasta dishes last weekend for our Johnsonville Italian Sausage House Party. A lasagna, some penne regato w/, and some pesto rigatoni. I didn't eat any of it - no four-legged creatures for me.



4) What is your favorite type of music?

I like all kinds, but I'm partial to anything that's highly sing-along-able, like Top 40 music. Kinda lame, but I own it.



5) In what position do you sleep?

If I'm on the couch, which is often, on my back or side. If I'm bed, which is rare, on my tummy, curled around my gigantic teddy bear from Hubs.

6) What is your first memory?

I'm 2½ or 3, running, squealing happily with my arms in the air, running from my bedroom to my Mommy down the hall.

7) What is your least favorite smell?

 

 ... 

The paper mill in Panama City, Florida. Ugh. Nastay. Cigarette smoke is a very close second.

 

8) It's your round at the pub and your friends asked you to surprise them. What drink would you buy and why?

 

Everyone would get a shot of Goldschläger, because that's "my" drink, even though I can no longer stand it. I have a story

9) What was the last thing you read/watched that made you cry?

My surviving twin made a birthday video for his brother (the 9th anniversary of his death is today, so I'm feeling a little morose, sorry). I watched it with my therapist, and we both cried.

 

10) They say that you learn something new every day. What was the last thing you have learned?

Sophia was reading in her animal book tonight and told me that an electric eel could power five light bulbs. Of course, she didn't give wattage or any of that information, so it's incomplete knowledge. I'll have to read up on that. ;)

11) Which Literary love interests would you snog, marry and avoid?

Pass. Too much thinking involved in that question. I'd be Jane Eyre and marry Mr. Rochester, though.

 

12) What is your oldest memory?

Pretty sure we covered that six questions ago. I know you're old, but my memory isn't that bad, yet...

13) Paperback, Hardback or Kindle? Which of these is your favorite reading format and why?

Any of the above, although I prefer a hardcover most, and one that I can lie around in bed and read all night and all day. The hard covers just seem more authentic, don't they?

 

14) If you could bring back any canceled TV series for another run what would you pick and why?

The original Dukes of Hazzard, because hello, they were hot. I don't care if I was in my single-digit years. I knew that Bo Duke was ca-yute!

15) Paperback, Hardback or Kindle?

Why are you fucking with me? I told you it wasn't a great day. Ask me 1,000 questions, but so help me God, if you repeat another one, I'll beat your ass. Oh, wait, that's the end. Okay, well, then, let's walk away from this unscathed, shall we?

 

 Fin.

P.S. Who calls it a "hardback," anyway? Not I, said the fly.  Cheers.

P.P.S. I don't know what's going on with these crazy changes when I post, but I'm not going to spend another ½-hour trying to fix it like I did last night! Deal. ;)

Nine, Nine, Fraulein

Nine years ago this morning, I gave birth to these two little guys via emergency C-section, at 31 weeks' gestation. The identical twin on the left, Robby, was twice Jack's size, whereas they had been non-significantly different in size just one week earlier. Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome led to severe Hydrops Fetalis, which proved fatal to our sweet angel baby three days later.

Meanwhile, the itty bitty survivor on the right, Jack, is now this young, albeit still petite, man:

Happy 9th birthday to my sons, Robert William & Jack River! Mommy and Daddy love you both so very much. ♥

Fin.

Saturday 9: Look Out Here Comes Tomorrow (RIP Davy Jones)

Link up here if you're playing along today!

1. How much do you worry about your future?

 

Six.

 

2. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect?

 

Just one, and He's not here on Earth right now. The rest of us... we're only human.

 

3. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for?

 

That I'm alive in it, with a modicum of happiness and sanity, and not driving my hubs and kiddos up a wall - whilst they're driving me up said wall.

 

4. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need?

 

Well, my sister's two daughters are pretty hearty and hale, unlike my own four kids who have all had their various illnesses (and death, in one case) and weaknesses throughout their young lives, so when her younger daughter took ill with a common childhood disease, she kind of freaked out. I dropped everything and drove all night from Virginia Beach to Western New York to be with her and her family until little H got better. I hope it was appreciated, because I had to wean my then-nursing son to do it! (He'd turned a year old the week before, so I'd already planned to, but still!)

 

5. What did you do lately that was really brave?

 

I stepped away from my various (11??) positions in leadership in the Girl Scouts on Wednesday. It broke my heart to do it on the one hand, but on the other hand, I really wanted and needed that, and I feel great since doing so.

 

6. What do you wish you hadn't let yourself do?

 

Take on so many things all at once last year, and let myself get unstable because of it. It's been about a year and a half since I've been stable (I'm bipolar), and it's kind of been hell on all of us with all the med tweakings and freak-outs while we try and figure out the right (new) cocktail for me...

 

7. Who is the wisest person you know?

 

My mama-in-law is pretty sage. I ask her for advice often, and she's always got good stuff knocking around in that brain of hers.

 

8. What's the most tasteless joke you've ever heard?

 

Oh, probably something disgusting and racist, which I do NOT tolerate.

 

9. What does your answering machine / voice mail message say?

 

Call it and find out, Willises!

 

Have a good weekend.

 

Fin.

The Dad I Sort Of Had

I write sometimes about my dad, but this post is about the man who was more of a Father Figure to me than he was, and it's taken me since the last posting to figure out how I wanted to write this. I thought about a compare/contrast, but that wouldn't honor this great man the way I wanted to. So instead, it's going to be all about him.

James Morton Brickley was a class act. I could stop there and that would be 'nuff said, but there's so much more I would like to say about him.

I met Jim when I was working at a Publix Supermarket in St. Pete, Florida. I was a cashier there, again. I mean, I worked my way at a Publix in Coral Gables while going to the University of Miami, so it seemed only fitting to work at yet another one while putting myself through the rigors of a Ph.D. program at the University of South Florida. And I liked it. But that's a different post.

Anyway, one day, Jim came through my line and, unbeknownst to me, observed me while he waited his turn. When he was up, he handed me his business card and said, "I need you at my law firm. You're exactly what I'm looking for. Call this number and talk to my wife - she's my office manager - and tell her I said to call about the job." I was stunned, flattered, and... well, flattered some more.

In the end, I got the job as Jim's legal secretary, along with the two lawyers who worked for (they'd say "with," but it was really "for") him. It was just the five of us, including his Office Manager wife. A small but busy law practice that Jim had started years earlier and built the way he felt a law firm should be built: by word-of-mouth, not advertising on TV or the back of phone books.

But I chatter too much. Getting further along, I worked there until I moved up to Tampa to be closer to my doctoral program, and I sadly said good-bye to Jim and the gang. We'd forged friendships, though, and when a semester had passed, he called me up and asked me to come back. Seemed he couldn't find a legal secretary as good as I had been, I said, patting myself on the back, and he would bump up my salary to pay for the commute.

So I went back to working for Jim. By that time, I had stepped down from the Ph.D. program, a heartwrenching decision I made after deciding I didn't have enough passion to spend my life on that (but again, another post for another day) and was working on my Master's degree in Science Ed. (By the by, maybe it was just that program at that school, but hello, that was a cakewalk compared to the Biology program. Easy peasy.)

After yet another semester, I decided I needed a break from school to make more money to continue the program, now that I didn't have the assistanceships and stipends I was earning in the former degree program, so I moved back to St. Pete. Jim and his wife helped me find a really decent apartment; I was financially strapped - as students are wont to be - and they fronted me the money for the security deposit, out of the goodness of their hearts.

But it didn't stop there. When my car, Bullet, got stolen, Jim was all set to loan me the money for a kickin' boat of a car (I think it was a stinkin' Lincoln, but I can't remember now, though it was nice) until Bullet suddenly turned up a month later. In the meantime, he picked me up for work himself, many times, though I could just as easily have ridden the bus.

When I got very sick suddenly at work one day, too sick to even drive myself home, Jim called up a cab, put me in it, and paid the driver not only to take me home, but to take me to the emergency room, and pick me up for work again when I was ready to return.

When my live-in boyfriend at the time threw me into a bookshelf and broke my two front teeth, and I showed up to work with a big gaping hole in my mouth, Jim took me into his office to ask what happened. He was furious with the guy. He called his own personal dentist and, while I listened, made me an appointment for later that same day and told the dentist to send him the bill. I got my teeth fixed, and Jim paid for it.

Then, one day, I met my future husband, and within weeks, we were engaged. And then we eloped. Jim was against it, but he wished me well and sent me on my way with a bonus paycheck. I moved to Panama City, FL, to live with my new husband. Before we knew it, a baby was on the way.

When Chloë was born a month prematurely on September 7th, 2001, I tried calling Jim and his wife to let them know. Or maybe Rob did; I forget, but we didn't get through and had to leave a message. Chloë was born in Pensacola, three hours from home, and she spent ten days in the NICU fighting this, that and the other serious issue while Rob and I lived in the Ronald McDonald House there to be near her. Because of that, Jim and his wife weren't able to get ahold of me.

Then bin Ladin and his cohorts struck on September 11th. Actually, I was still in the hospital, having had an emergency c-section, when we heard the news. As Rob is in the Navy, we had people crawling out of the woodwork to ask what that would mean for him career-wise, but our world was all about our sick new baby. And still, I didn't get to talk to my Father Figure, Jim, to tell him of our news.

Well, a few days later, his wife finally found us by telephone, calling the NICU to reach me. She asked about Chloë, and then she told me the awful news: While standing there, in front of the television, watching the news of the terrorist attacks, Jim suffered an acute aortic aneurysm. He died that day, that horrible day. I was in shock, hearing the news. I cried out in the NICU (a big no-no, by the way) when she told me, and I sobbed.

Jim from Kentucky, I plan to have a mint julep on Derby Day this year for you, 10½ years later. And I'll remember that day, as always, how good you were to me. And for me.

Thank you.

Fin.

Sunday Stealing: 2011 Wrap-Up Meme

I almost forgot about SS today! Link up here if you're playing along.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Gosh, I gotta think. A year's a long time... let's see.  Oh, I know, I drove in Manhattan! That was scary but exciting, because I didn't kill us. Whew.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I honestly don't even remember what they were, so probably not. I've made some for 2012, yes. I want to be a better housekeeper and be more organized, and I want to start the Couch-2-5K program that I've been thinking about for a number of years but never actually started. I need to be more active.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my Turtle-friend Saritah had baby T, and a few other friends had babies as well. It's been a baby-heavy year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yeah, my beloved grandpa. I miss him so much. It's been since last February, and I still think about picking up the phone to call him when things remind me of him.

5. What countries did you visit?

We didn't leave the country, but we visited several states outside our own Virginia. The only one I'd never been to before was Connecticut, where we stayed for Grandpa's funeral, even though that was in NJ. Appropriate, though, because he was from there.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

More financial stability and freedom. 2011 was tiiiiiiight.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Well, 9/11/11, because it was the 10th anniversary of that momentous tragedy. Also 9/7/11 and 9/8/11, because my oldest turned 10 and then I turned 35, which seems to me like the age of growed-up-ness. That's a word.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think probably teaching the three cooking classes at our homeschoolng co-op. I really went out of my comfort zone to do that, and I got lots of positive feedback. It turned out great, and I'm proud of it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Tackling the laundry monster. That has been a BIG FAIL for me this year. I will not let 2012 be the same!

10. What was the best thing you bought?

Rob's wedding ring! I just gave it to him yesterday or the day before. He lost his original wedding ring while we were at an amusement park this past summer, and he's been "un-wed" for months now. I bought him one and it just arrived, though we still need to get it in engraved. He's married again, yay! I was going to save it and give it to him for our 11th anniversary, which is tomorrow, but ... I wanted that finger ringed!

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Jack's. Ohhh, you meant a celebrity? Well, I'm picking my son. He's really shown himself to be a hard worker when he applies himself, this year. It's been a switch from years past, when he was more of a lazybones.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?

No one I can think of, that I got really worked up about.

13. What song will always remind you of 2011?

"Someone Like You" and "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele. Love her, love her voice, love her songs...

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Drudgery. I've been pretty lazy this year (well, last year). I've been slacking.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

That slacking I mentioned? Kind of obvious answer, though, right?

16. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I fall in love with my husband again all the time, so yes. He repeatedly shows me why I should love him so much. ♥

17. What was your favorite new TV program?

N/A. No TV for us.

18. What was the best book you read?

Bah. I don't think I read a single non-child book this year. I should put that on my "must" list as well. I barely read my magazines, of which I get a TON of free subscriptions, and I have a huge stack to go through and donate to the libe.

19. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?

Hm. Finishing out December with a BANG! like I planned. Instead, I got sick for nearly three weeks, just getting better as of yesterday, and had to take it extreeeeeeemely easy. Ah, well, the best-laid plans...

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

I'm still trying to sort that out. When I was very fat, it was "whatever fits." I don't want that to be my style now, but I don't know what is. I like lots of different things, but I don't have the budget to go out and shop for a whole new wardrobe. It's pretty much, "Whatever was on mega-clearance at Old Navy... that fits." haha

21. What kept you sane?

The hubs, Rob, and my crafting and knitting. When I get crazy-stressed, I've gotta pick up my needles. Stabbing at yarn makes me not want to jab the needles at a person. Or cat. Those rascally cats...!

22. Who did you miss?

Well. Everyone. We're a military family, so all our family and many of our friends are distant. Along with that, as always, my mother and son, and my grandparents, who are waiting for me in Heaven.

23. Who was the best new person you met?

Jenny From the Block! She's my girl. Love her! Oh, and my new therapist. She rocks the kasbah.

24. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2011?

Count your blessings, and appreciate them always. Life is precious, and short. Be in the moment. Share special one-on-one time with each of the kids, every day, even for just a few minutes. It makes such a huge difference to them. 

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Everybody wang chung tonight!" What? I want to wang chung tonight, don't you?

Enjoy your year. May it be filled with love, laughter, and chocolate. If you like that sort of thing.

Fin.

Saturday 9: Turn Back The Hands Of Time

Link yourselves on up over here if you're playing along this weekend!

1. There's a Time Genie. She can put you back in time to relive a day that you loved. If you could turn back the hands of time, what day would you relive if given this opportunity?

March 19th, 2003. I would get up out of my pre-term labor bed in the hospital, march my hugely pregnant arse down the hall to the high-risk OB clinic that was supposed to be monitoring me, and demand the ultrasound for which I kept asking, until they gave it to me. They would do, see that my twins were in major distress, and deliver them on the spot. Both would now be alive. If only...if only.... (yes, 8½ years later, I still blame myself for Robby's death.)

Oh, wait. I just re-read the question, and it was supposed to be a day I loved. Then, I would relive the day Rob and I eloped, over and over and over. It was the time of our lives! ♥

2. What did you do yesterday?

Slept 'til mid-afternoon, ate way too much pumpkin pie that I didn't even make, and slept some more. Took a few pictures. S'about it.

3. You've been given 3 parachutes, but there are 4 people who need them. Who will you not give one to: Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Kim Kardashian, or Simon Cowell? Why?

Um, first of all, what about ME? Second of all, Mel. He's turned into a worthless piece of trash. The rest are, at least, still entertaining.

4. Where are you going and where have you been?

I'm going to San Diego when Rob retires in less than 1.5 years. I've been around the world, and I-I-I, I can't find my baby, I don't know and I don't know why, oh, sorry, got off on a tangent, there.  I have been to Ottawa, Canada. Don't hate. (I've been out of the country plenty of times; that's the one of which I'm least proud.)

5. They say that books read as a child make more of an impact on a person than books read at any other time in life. Are there any books that you particularly loved, that shaped the way you think when you were little?

Grammar aside, there, probably the Anne of Green Gables series. I loved the whole idea of kindred spirits and the need to find one's own, I loved the love shared between Anne and Gilbert, and Matthew and Marilla, and I loved Anne's red-haired fieriness when necessary. I could go on, but I shan't. Have you read them? I don't want to spoil it for you, if not.

6. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?

Our Christmas stay at Great Wolf Lodge in a couple weeks!!

7. What was the last text message you received?

This hilarious cartoon from Rob:

8. Do you prefer to call or text?

Text, which is why it drives me crazy that my sister doesn't have a celly!!

9. What were you doing at 9PM last night?

I think I was back to sleep by then. I slept a ton. Hey, I was out of Diet Coke!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Fin.

Saturday 9: You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'

 

Link up here if you're playing along today!

1. In a relationship, have you ever hung in even when you knew for sure it was over?

Just once, yes. Way too long, too. What a waste of time that was.

2. If you had the ability to perpetually alleviate any pain on your body, what would it be?

Migraines and any other headaches. Those are the worst, for me.

3. What place would you visit if money were no object?

I'd go all over Australia. Ahh, to dream...

4. What is one thing you would love to change about yourself?

Physically, I would get rid of all the extra skin left over from losing over 200 lbs. If that's not what you meant, then I would take away the scourge of bipolar disorder and all the problems that come with it.

5. Do you think your parents were too strict growing up?

Hah. Yes and no. That's a complex question. I had an abusive childhood, and that's all I want to say about it right now. For a long time, I had concluded that I raised myself, but now I realize they did raise me - they just did a shitty job of it, mentally speaking.

6. In general, how many old friends do you have that you talk to at least once a year?

I'm going to call anyone I've known since elementary school or longer an old friend, so I would have to make that number at least 20-25, now through the magic of Facebook. I have had a lot of friends come and go from my life, and I thought it was a personal fault of mine (and maybe it is), until my dad made me realize this is not uncommon and happened to my dear, long-departed mother as well. And I have had a LOT of long-term friends, so... it all comes out in the wash. But you probably didn't expect or desire that long of an answer.

7. What was the last compliment you received?

Sophia told me she liked my shirt (she's my 6yo). lol

8. Have you ever told someone you loved them but didn't really mean it?

yes.

9. In your opinion, would it be harder to lose someone close to you more as a child or harder as an adult?

Honestly, I must be stupid, because I don't really understand the question the way it's phrased. So I'm going to interpret it as, "Would it be harder to lose someone close to you while you're a child, or as an adult?" and I'm going to say that "it depends." I've lost my mother at a very young age (7), and I've lost my son as an adult (28, when he was 3 days old), and I've lost a multitude of others along the way. Obviously those two stand out as major losses, though, and the pain is not quantifiable. The only thing I can is that it's impossible to get over either, it's impossible to make sense of either, and all one can do is understand that it's all a part of life.

On that somewhat sad note, have an excellent weekend.

Fin.

Wordless Wednesday: Chloë's Dance Show

 

(This was Monday's dress rehearsal.)

 

 

 

 

Happy Hump Day! Hope the rest of your week is great.

Link up here.

Fin.

Things That Suck

Two things, at least this past Tuesday (yesterday):

1. Winning a contest and not having the gas to go pick up the prize. I am guaranteed to have won either: a 2011 Ford SUV hybrid, a trip with hotel and airfare included, $2500, or a big-screen LCD TV. I'm supposed to drive up to Woodbridge on Thursday night to claim it. Not having the money for gas to get there, which is near DC, means that it'll have to go unclaimed. Sure would have been nice to have one of those prizes, though. Except for the trip, we'd have sold it and used the money for house repairs, to get this baby ready for sale. Le sigh.

2. Operation Rescue Mallard gone bad:

This poor drake was the straggler in a flock of ducks that was flying over when Rob was driving home on his motorcycle, and wham! he hit Rob right in the helmet and windshield instead of clearing him. Rob came home, I called a wildlife rehabber, and we were instructed to get him and put him in a box.

So we went out to the lake, where he skedaddled off to be amongst his breathren after the accident, and called out for him. "Bob! Uh, here ducky...!" when Sophia let herself out of the van (not following instructions to stay put) and started running through the flock of geese and ducks converging on us, mistakenly thinking we were giving handouts. Her actions parted the ways quickly and led us down to one hunkered-down bird who refused to scatter. That was our duck. Rob gingerly lifted him into the box, and I could see that both legs, and a wing, were badly damaged. There was blood on the bottom. He was in bad shape.

I called the rehabber back and, since we couldn't bring him out until late that night when they figured out if they had the space for yet another duck - already having over five dozen to care for - was told to give Bob a little water. We tried. He didn't seem to interested in that. Apparently Tap doesn't taste like Pond. (Lucky us.)

He'd soiled himself badly, and I didn't want him sitting in that, so we moved him to a slightly bigger box. One with no stinky duck pee or poo. We imagined the rest of the flock back at the lake, still whispering about Bob being ducknapped. We hoped they realized we planned to bring him back, in time.

Bob seemed content, if not completely stressed, in his new digs. He still didn't drink. We decided to let him chill out there and came in the house. The children were still out playing. Before too long, less than an hour, Sophia came inside to do her impression of poor Bob, which included lolling her head to the side.

Oh, no.

We rushed outside, to find what was clearly a very dead Bob.

I burst into tears, and one by one, so did the children. I don't know that they all would have done that, if I hadn't, but I couldn't help myself. I love the creatures, great and small, and I'm so sad it didn't work out this time. Bob was just too hurt and stressed, and he didn't make it.

Poor Bird. We tried, we really did.

><>

Things that DON'T suck:

All the support I received, both in the comments here and on Facebook, to continue the blog. Rest assured, I'm not going anywhere. How could I? Thirteen people would be devastated if I left the Interwebs, wouldn't you?  And I won't tone it down, keep it in, change my style, either. Again, how could I? All I know is how to be me. So that's what you get. Thanks for following along. Say hey once in a while. I'd like that. That would be not-the-suck, too.

Fin.

Saying Goodbye To Grandpa

{Note: I changed the title of this post from the original idea, "Buried Treasure," as tongue-in-cheek didn't seem quite right this time.}

Rob got a few days off of work for my grandpa's funeral, so we headed up there on Wednesday morning.

By "there," I mean Connecticut, even though the services were scheduled for the following day in Teaneck, New Jersey.  Our hotel was in CT, because, tacky though it may be, I took a mystery shop to pay for our lodging. I mean, it was an unplanned, un-budgeted-for trip, so if I could get someone else to foot the bill, then by golly, I would do it.

So, we went to Connecticut.

The trip up took longer than it should have, because we had to make numerous stops for various potty breaks and things. I can't remember if someone (or ones) had an upset tummy or just what, but it seemed like we stopped more than went.

Anyway.

After we passed Newark, we were right near Leonia, where Grandma and Grandpa lived throughout my childhood. I spent many days there as a kid, so we quickly decided to take a detour through the old neighborhood to show the kids where I spent some of my happiest times. They lived in 20C, which is the bottom right unit in the photo, there. Their door was the farthest on the right, which meant the doors were out of ABCD order. That always drove me nuts! 

I ran all over the place once we got there, excitedly showing my children where Grandma always parked her big, maroon "boat" of a car, and where Grandpa had always parked his blue work van, and the dumpsters that hadn't moved an inch, and the room where Stacey and I slept, and so much else. The memories just came pouring out of me, almost faster than I could speak them. When I say that these were the happiest days of my youth, here at this small condominium village in Jersey, I'm not exaggerating. I loved going there, I loved being there, and I loved returning.

The kids had a blast there, for the 20 or so minutes we stayed, anyway. They jumped in puddles, listened for the faint sound of the ice cream truck that barreled through there when I was a kid, and peeked in the holes in the sidewalk for froggies, just like Stacey and I used to do. Jack summed it up nicely for me when we were walking back to the car; I can't remember now exactly what he said, but it was something like, "This looks like such a fun place to grow up!"

After we piled back into Penelope (our Honda Odyssey), we drove 'round the corner into Englewood, NJ, to see the warehouse where Grandpa worked so hard for so many decades. He installed industrial laundry units for Tingue Brown, though my dad or uncle could explain his exact function better than I could. He took us there many times, when he had work to do in the evenings, and the two of us basically spent the time running around and asking a hundred times, "What's this? What does that do? What's this for?" The warehouse in Englewood closed down about nine years ago, but I did see some places that I remembered along the way.

While we were en route to Connecticut, I found out that an obituary hadn't been placed in the paper for Grandpa. After hearing this and talking to my dad and Rob for a minute, I called the funeral director back and dictated an obit to him for the Bergen (County) Record. I wanted to make sure that everyone from Grandpa's life in New Jersey would know of his passing, and though it was only going to be published the morning of his funeral, give them a chance to make it to the services if they were able. You can see the obituary here.

I didn't know I was going to drive straight through New York City to get to our hotel in CT, which was stupid of me, but I didn't look. I just trust Sue, my GPS, and drive on with confidence. So I got a little quaky in my boots when I was taking the George Washington Bridge, but at the same time, I was excited as all-get-out to be doing it! I have spent a great deal of time in The City That Never Sleeps, but I have never, ever driven in it myself. Lo and behold, we survived!

We finally made it to our hotel, where we had a nice stay and did the mystery shop stuff I had to do. I had planned to stay up all night so that I wouldn't miss our early departure and, thus, Grandpa's entire funeral, but my heavy lids got the better of me and I climbed into the big, comfy bed.

I slept like the just. The just plain tired.

And I slept on, through the 0500 wake-up call, and my 0530 alarm, and all the sleep-snoozes that followed. Finally, at 0726, I opened my peepers and noted that I had wanted to be on the road to Jersey exactly four minutes after that. "WAKE UP! EVERYONE, WAKE UP!! WE'RE LATE, WE GOTTA GOOOOOO!" I shouted. The room was all hustle and bustle after that. I dressed up the kids in their funereal finest, got myself into my own black frock, and watched as Rob donned his dress blues out of respect for my grandpa's Navy stint in The Great War. I zipped down to do the portions of the mystery shop I could only do in the morning, and we were back in the car in record time.

Just in time to sit in traffic. The whole of Connecticut, it seemed, was headed into NYC to go to work at the same time. In an hour and a half, we moved about five miles. I prayed my most fervent prayer that either Penelope would sprout wings or, somehow, some way, traffic would move and we wouldn't miss Grandpa's entire service.

My prayer was answered.

Beep beep beep beep went my phone, in the Morse code-like text sound I have reserved for my Uncle Chris. He sent word that they had moved the service back an hour, to 1100 from 1000, to give my cousin Melissa and us plenty of time to arrive. Words can not express the elation I felt when I read that! It wasn't the exact thing I had prayed for, but as Rob said, God was conserving energy: Rather than perform 50,000 small miracles for all the vehicles on the road, He was performing just the one we needed that morning.

When we got to the funeral home, amidst dozens of questions from the kids about the body, the hearse, funeral parlors in general, and so forth, the girls and I had approximately zero time to greet anyone before the fabulous director, Kurt, showed us the way into the (very nice) ladies room. Stacey came around the corner to greet us, but I blasted out, "Gotta go!" to her and left her waiting outside.

When we came out, of course, there were hugs and kisses and tears all around. She showed us into the room where Grandpa lay in his open casket, and I saw him for the first time since I got word of his death six days earlier. My nose is burning with the tears forming now, as I think of it. He should not be in that box. He should have been around for another 50 years. He loved life, he loved his kids and grandkids and great-grandkids, and he had a lot more joy to spread.

Stacey went up with the five of us. Her girls weren't ready to handle a funeral yet, but my kids were as inquisitive as usual. They asked us a billion questions. Through our tears, Aunt Stacey and I chuckled and answered everything. "Why is he so cold? Why is his skin hard? Why are you putting pistachios (Stacey) and a wiffle ball (me) in there? Why does he have a flag and a cross pin on his suit? Why are his glasses in his pocket? Why why why why why?" I didn't mind. I hope no one else did, either.

He didn't look exactly right to me, but then, they never really do, do they? His nose seemed too pointy and his nostrils were flared, as if he was smelling something he didn't like. I couldn't really get past that. But he was handsome. He still had a full head of hair and all his teeth, and he was proud of that. I sent him some Listerine in a recent package, and he chided me jokingly, asking why it wasn't Scope and telling me the bottle was too heavy for his tired, sore hands to lift. When he died, I couldn't help but wonder how much of that mouthwash was left, and wonder if it would go to waste. Stupid brain, thinking such silly thoughts.

I had briefly greeted Uncle Chris before stepping up to the casket, but I visited with him again after. And my mom's cousin, Ken, who had commented here on the post about Grandpa's death. I had read the comment on my iPhone on the way up there, and it made me happy to know that Grandpa had been Ken's (or Kenny, as my dad had always referred to him) favorite uncle, and my mom his favorite cousin. The two of them were so much alike, so happy and cheerful and quick to share their smiles.

The service itself was sparsely attended, as Grandpa's living family members and friends were few in number, but those of us who were there loved him greatly. We were maybe a dozen in number. I was pleased that the minister from their church, who knew both Grandma and Grandpa so well, was the officiant. He shared several anecdotes about both of them, and I enjoyed listening to him speak so tenderly about the grandparents I loved so well. He said that G&G invited him and his then-wife to dinner at a certain restaurant many times, and it was on the way to one such visit that Grandpa was driving his Grandpa way. The minister chuckled to remember that Grandma asked Grandpa, "Are you sure the car is in gear, Art? I could walk there faster." We all giggled, too. The service he gave was nice, and I felt good about it.

The procession to the cemetery was led first, of course, by the hearse, and then by Uncle Chris. Stacey trailed him, and then me, and then Melissa, and then everyone else. Despite our flashers and slow speed on the highway, the procession was broken many times by rude or ignorant drivers. Stacey's husband irately flashed the bird to one such driver, to my great amusement. That's New York for ya! Somehow, we all made it to the grave site in one piece, and Kurt directed us around a giant mausoleum and told us where to park.

The burial was as lovely as one can be, as the Navy Honor Guard was on hand to play "Taps" on the bugle and present the flag to Uncle Chris. I was very touched by all of that. Rob saluted the entire time, which is his duty in uniform, of course, but I was touched by that, too. He, himself, used to be in the Honor Guard, so he was very familiar with the whole process and told me beforehand what to expect and afterhand (why isn't that a word?) what was different that he had been trained. We all placed roses on Grandpa's casket, and after I placed a kiss on my hand and touched the coffin, Chloë and Sophia did the same. That made me laugh inwardly; I should have known they'd do that.

We said our good-byes at the grave to Ken and the other attendees, and then Chris, my two cousins Laura and Melissa, Melissa's husband, Stacey and her family, and my whole family made our way up the hill to visit my mother's grave. She had been buried there almost 27 years earlier, and I hadn't been to visit since the summer of '99. Stacey hadn't been since she was a kid, and Chris hadn't been in ages either, so we couldn't find poor Mom at first! I kept thinking, "We should ask Grandpa where she is, he would know!"

We fanned out and finally, Chris shouted out to the rest of us that she was found. Her stone has a built-in, pull-out vase, and as we had all taken red and white carnations from the arrangement that Chris had gotten for Grandpa, we tried to yank that vase out of the headstone to be filled. It was impossible; all the men gave it a go, and some of the women did, too. Rob realized it was a futile effort, as it had been pointed out several times that it was bent funny, so he ran off to get some cemetery workers to fix it. One came back with him, and he wielded a tool (don't ask me what it was) to get it unstuck. It took a lot of work, but finally, the vase came free. We all cheered and happily placed our carnations in my mother's vase. The kids took it upon themselves to arrange the flowers, and while no one would pay for their work, we all enjoyed seeing them do it. It was agreed by all then, much to my relief, that our children had provided a needed comic relief to the day's proceedings, and they were glad they were there. Phew!

(I know this is getting so long, but I need to tell all about it. It helps.)

We talked about my mom a little, and then as a group, we bid her adieu. But not before Sophia found an earthwork burrowing into its little earthworm hole at the head of her plot, and "rescued" it. None of us could convince her to let the poor creature go, so in the end, her daddy agreed to put it in a cup, with some dirt and water, and take it home to Virginia with us. I have no idea now what has become of that poor critter!

Jack had asked me a hundred times when we were going to see Grandpa's coffin actually lowered into the ground, so when I saw that Kurt was still standing there, I called out and asked him when it would be done. He told me that he would have it done as soon as we all left. Thinking of Jack, I quickly asked, "Can we not watch?" He asked if we would like to, and, thinking of everyone else's feelings (I do manage that sometimes), I inquired if anyone else would like to see, too. Everyone did! So we all gathered around Grandpa's coffin - sometimes a bit too close for Kurt's comfort - as the workers lowered him, hand-over-hand, into the ground. His final resting place was just above Grandma's. We all peeked into the hole, with Kurt in the background pleading with us not to get too close. I don't think anyone listened. There he was, down there, with roses all over, along with the cross-shaped ashes that the minister had placed there earlier.

I was supposed to have a lunch mystery shop in Manhattan that day, but I decided to stay with my family after all. I was feelin' the love. I suggested the Leonia pizzeria where Grandma and Grandpa took us at least once every visit, but Uncle Chris nixed that as he had just dined there the night before. When Grandma died, Grandpa had eaten there almost every night, and he was close with the owners and many of the regulars. I was surprised none of them were able to come to his funeral, but such is life. In the end, we all gathered at a local diner.

Melissa and Etan were fasting for Esther, before Purim, as they are Jewish, so they did not come in and eat with us. I had never met Etan before, and I found him to be quite wonderful. She married well. He's cute to boot, and isn't she gorgeous? She's my middle cousin. Laura is Chris' youngest, and Stefanie, who was not able to make it up from Florida, is the oldest. We said good-bye to Melissa, and the photogenic pair agreed to a quick pose for me. These two will be making beautiful babies someday soon, I hope!

The rest of us ate heartily and listened to Uncle Chris tell about all of the shenanigans he had put his parents through as a teenager and young adult. He was quite the hellion, to hear him tell it! I'm embarrassed to say, my kids were also being quite the hellions throughout our meal. They had been on their best behavior for Grandpa, so I guess it finally wore off and they just couldn't do it any more for the rest of us. Aunt Stacey sat closer to them than we did, though, and she had absolutely no problem "handling it." She often tells me, though, when I share the latest from Sophia, "I would sell that child if she were mine!" 

After lunch, everyone waited out in the parking lot while I bought "a few things" (more like 20) from the bakery section of the Coach House. I just can't resist some good pastry, what can I say? At last, it was time to ease on down the road, so we bid farewell to my sister and brother-in-law, my nieces, and my uncle and cousin. We may never all be together in one spot again. But who knows?

 

The trip home also took much longer than it should have, because we made many and frequent stops for no good reason other than it seemed none of us was in any rush to be home. On this stop along the Jersey Turnpike, I found a Carvel, which Grandpa loved with a passion (everyone who knew him knew about his love for ice cream and especially Carvel), so I quickly conferred with Rob and decided that a sundae in his memory was in order. I had a bite or two, myself. I mean, it was for the old man...

On another stop, I was in a long line to pay for a Diet Coke and stuff, when I started listening to the conversation going on at the counter. The customer, a frustrated Gringo trying to buy some lottery tickets, was arguing with the heavily-accented Latina behind the counter. I took note of all the other patrons in the queue and decided that none of them spoke Spanish, so I gathered up all my nerve and stepped up to offer my assistance. I told the gent that I was quite rusty, and that I NEVER played the lottery, but I could try to help. He told me what he wanted, and I translated for him to the cashier. She nodded, repeated, and punched the buttons. To my immense relief, we got it right, and the man was happy. Then he handed me two dollars and said, "Get your millions, girlfriend!" as he walked away. So I bought two tickets, with everyone in line behind us egging me on, and gave them to Rob. We didn't win anything, but it would have been a good story if we had!

So, anyway, that was that. Grandpa is gone. Even though I saw it with my own two eyes, it's still hard to believe it. I keep having, "I should call Grandpa and tell him abc or xyz" thoughts, which are jarring. Rob keeps assuring me that they are completely normal. I know they are, but it still makes me cry. I just wasn't ready yet to say good-bye. It's never a good time, I know, but I really wasn't ready. 

With love and sadness and my whole heart, and until I see you both again, Grandma and Grandpa, rest in peace.

Fin. 

Sunday Stealing: The 5,000 Q Meme, Part One

 

Link up here if you're late with this one, too!

1. Who are you?

Oh, really? You felt like starting me off with an easy one, huh? I am: Melanie, 34, stay-home, homeschooling mother of three living children, and deeply grieving mother of an angel baby. I am a Navy wife, a sister, daughter, and niece. I like to knit and do other crafts, read, sing, and be silly as much as possible. I'm addicted to my computer and Diet Coke. I try my hardest to be a good person, and it hurts me deeply when I stumble. I am a child of God.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

I am intelligent enough to understand anything you want to tell me, so don't believe that I am not; however, I may choose not to try if I am uninterested in the topic. I hate to be misinterpreted or misunderstood, with a passion. If you need help, I will do my utmost to help you.

3. When you aren't memes like this one what are you doing?

Memes like that one?

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).

Sciences were my forte, along with Math. I always did well with English and Spanish. History was not my strong suit; I especially hate learning about war. I loved Art and Music, but Technology class didn't always hold my interest.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?

I haven't really ranked my goals for the year, but one thing I want to do is make the switch from knitting entirely for charity to knitting for my living kids, my husband and other loved ones - and myself!

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Somewhere warm, with my family. That's all I care about.

7. What stage of life are you in right now?

I haven't gone through menopause yet, if that's what you want to know.

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

I can be a bit of both on occasion, but I'm definitely more child-like, like my mom and grandpa.

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?

"Aww, poor little ladybug!"

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

"Satisfied," combined with "Morning Song," by Jewel

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?

No. I would, though. I remember being about five years old and waiting in the hallway with my sister, while my parents took their first and last karate class. About 3/4 of the way through the class, my mom came bolting out of the class and flew past us. Dad rushed out right behind her, and we were inquiring what happened. "Mom peed her pants doing a kick!" he said. They never went back.

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

There are little and big ups and downs, just like anyone else's life, I suppose.

13. Does time really heal all wounds?

No, it does not. My mom died when I was 7 years old, and the pain still cuts me quite deeply.

14. How do you handle a rainy day?

If it's only a light rain, we'll pull on our boots and go jump in the puddles! Otherwise, we try to make other (indoor) plans. When we were kids and visiting my grandparents, Sis and I always knew we'd be headed to the movie theater if it was a rainy day.

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

Definitely losing your luggage - that suuuuuucks. Especially if it's on the way there.

16. How is (or was) your relationship with your parents?

With my mom, it was wonderful. She was the perfect mother, if ever there was one. I have her on a bit of a pedestal in my mind, it's true, but she really was lovely to us. I get along well with my dad, although he doesn't entirely understand me. I'm not his clone, and he doesn't always like that.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?

I can tune out with the best of 'em, but I'm usually paying attention.

18. What is the truest thing that you know?

God is love.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a marine biologist, always. And briefly, I was.

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?

Thankfully, yes.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

I try to be more of a giver, but I do love the way my husband babies me, I confess.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

I can be pretty darn stubborn, admittedly, and when I want to do something, I usually leap right in and go for it. It's hard to talk me out of a decision. When I can't make up my mind, then yes, I weigh everything.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

My first c-section, with Chloë. Oh, God. The second and third hurt as well, but each one was easier than the last. That first time, I was in agony. And the first nurse that came in to check my incision practically karate-chopped my belly. I still have homicidal thoughts about that [woman].

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

I have a lot of emotional baggage, which my regular readers know, but nothing touches holding my baby boy in my arms while he breathed his last.

25. Who have you hugged today?

All three of my kids. Hubs has given me a nice embrace or two, as well.

More next week...!

Fin.

Saturday 9: You Were Meant For Me

 

The link is here, in case you're playing along late like me!

1. Have you ever felt that you were “made” for someone or some purpose?

Yes, sure. My husband and I have long believed that God led us to each other and that we belong together. Our marriage has been, at times, tumultuous, but I wouldn't know what to do without him.

2. What do you do when you have a problem that you can't do anything about it?

I talk to my husband. And then my dad, and sometimes my sister.  My dad always has advice for me. Sometimes I even follow it.

3. If marijuana were to be legalized, do you think it should be taxed?

This isn't something I've ever given pause to consider. I suppose it will be, anyway, except for those using it for medical reasons.

4. What is one thing you should never do on a first date?

Shit your pants.

5. If someone (at gunpoint) forced you to receive a portrait tattoo of someone, who would it be?

Well, I guess that would be up to them, wouldn't it? I mean, I wouldn't have to be forced too hard to have a portrait done of someone I love, like my kids or Hubs, but I really wouldn't love to have Hitler immortalized on my skin.

6. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

Only time will tell.

7. Anything fabulous happen to you last night?

I went to an overnight lock-in at a local YMCA with my older daughter for Girl Scouts. She had a lot of fun, and it was nice to get some time together, just the two of us (well, and 100 other Girl Scouts).

8. For a few years in a row, you receive a nice tax refund: do you make an adjustment with your payroll deduction so they’ll take less, or do you leave it that way so that you can continue to receive the big check every spring?

I know it's smarter to change the payroll deduction, but we seem to do better with the big check. So I guess we'll leave it that way.

9. When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

On Thursday morning. We laid my grandpa to rest that day. Approaching the funeral home, I had them.

Fin.

For The Love Of Knitting

I made this for my friend's daughter. The baby was born, I think, on Christmas Eve, and I cast on for this sweater (Elizabeth Zimmermann's February Baby Sweater on 2 Needles) within the week. However, you may have realized, we're never home, and I have no free time (or at least, I don't always make good use of it)! So I just finished it today. Or was it last night? I forget; it's all blent together now.

Hopefully, knowing my friend, the baby is still quite small and will fit this for months to come. Unfortunately, they live in Miami, and this is ultramerino by Artyarns, so... you do the math. Keepsake? Heirloom? Hey. I make the sweaters, not the decisions.

********
I should go pack, but I'm dragging my feet on it. We're leaving for my grandpa's funeral tomorrow morning. The funeral's on Thursday morning in New Jersey, but our hotel tomorrow night is just over an hour away in Connecticut. If I've ever been to CT, I'm not aware of it. But my grandpa grew up there, so it seems appropriate.

I'm hanging in here. You know how it is. One minute you're fine, and the next minute you're snotting all over your husband's shirt with bleary red eyeballs and a crying headache.  But I'm okay. I'm not over-dosing or cutting my wrists or anything like that, which is good. And I'm looking forward to visiting my mom's grave, which is at the same cemetery where Grandma and, soon, Grandpa are/will be buried. I haven't been there in over a decade.

I have no clever way to end this post, so I'm just going to stop.

Fin.

Objet d'Art

My grandfather, Arthur H. Ohlmann, passed away early this morning at the age of 84. He was going to be 85 in June.

He went into the hospital about a week ago. I told a friend that I expected him to remain there for a week. However, I did expect him to go home again, back to the assisted living center. I didn't expect him to spend his final days there at all.

I found out at around 0445 today, via text message from his son - my uncle, my mother's brother - that he was gone. I think my exact words were, "What! Oh, my God! What?! Oh, my GOD!" because the last thing I thought was that he would die without me calling one last time to say good-bye, or being there to hold his hand, or looking upon his frail face with love and adoration... 

Yeah. I'm in shock, I'm certain. I know that the time will come for me to fall apart, like my sister did when I immediately called to tell her, but I haven't yet. I can feel it coming, but so far I've been mostly stoic. Which is entirely uncharacteristic of normally-overly-emotional me, so I know I'm just holding it in until I'm ready to process and deal with it. 

I feel guilty. The last three or four times I tried to call him at the hospital, there was no answer. I just attributed it to him being asleep, or busy with a nurse, or just plain not in the mood to reach over and pick up the phone. I didn't know that the last time I talked to him would have been days ago, for just a few minutes, with me telling him I'd call him back in a little while because the nurse was in there.

On the other hand, I feel good. He got the letter I sent him, the open one that I published here, and he cherished it. He said he wanted to be buried with it. It made him cry happy tears to know that Stacey and I loved him as thoroughly as we did, and he even said he thought about sending it to the newspaper to be published. So, he knew. He knew that he was loved with our whole hearts.

He was a good man. The very best man I ever knew. A model of a man. He rarely had an unkind or angry word for anyone. I never in my life heard him swear. The worst he ever said, when he was REALLY upset, was, "What the Sam Hill?!" He never drank alcohol. Ever. He went out of his way to be helpful, to be cheerful, to be kind. He was sweet.

My grandpa grew up in Connecticut, but he lived first in the Bronx, and later in New Jersey, with my grandmother. Grandma's buried in Jersey, and he'll be with her. Forever. On Monday, March 7th, it would have been something like their 63rd wedding anniversary. He mentioned that on Sunday. He never forgot. He always remembered my birthday, too. He liked to tell me about when I was a little kid - really little - how I'd call him up and remind of when my birthday was. Not that he needed it, because that's the kind of guy he was.

We were going to go and visit him this summer. I've been doing these resort shops all over the Eastern half of this country, and I was going to try and line up a bunch of them in a row in Florida, so I could go and visit him and make sure the kids had a good experience with him, too. The last time we saw him was in January, 2007, when they were 1, 3, and 5. Not old enough to remember how fantastic he was. They had a great time jumping on his bed, though. I'm so sad that we didn't make it down there in time for one last visit. He wanted to see me like I am now, much thinner and healthier, and he didn't get that.

I was going to take him out for a feast of lobster and shrimp and crab - whatever he wanted. He really wanted a lobster dinner, and I had promised it to him. Too late for that now, too.

It's like my heart is broken but it hasn't shattered yet. It's still being held together by memories, I guess, and I have plenty of those to cherish. I thank God for every day He gave me with my grandpa, and I thank Him for keeping him now. He's with my grandma, my mother, and my son - and his own firstborn, as well. I suspect he's overjoyed to be reunited with all of them. I suppose they are just as happy to have him around, too.

Oh, that guy. That funny, silly, old coot. I'm going to miss him like crazy. I already do.

Fin.

Friday Fragments

 

Link up here if you're fragmenting along with Mrs.4444 today!

I can't promise my fragments today won't depress you. If you don't feel like it, shuffle on along now... ;)

☼

So I had this friend. A really, really good, close friend, who I cared a tremendous bit about. I knew him a very short period of time, but we clicked immediately and got along like two people who get along real well.

Anyway, things got too intense, and when I posted this, he had enough. It cost me the friendship.

That was what, a week ago? My heart is still broken.

Actually, for the first time since I was a teenager, I did this:

 

 

I never considered myself a "cutter," because I have always used my fingernails (I have attempted scissors and knives but couldn't ever manage to break the skin with them), but apparently that counts. It's worse than it looks in the picture; that was fresh. Don't ask me why I took a picture.

Right now it looks like this, though:

 

...because Hello Kitty was all I had in my First Aid kit. Hey, whatever works. It hurts like hell. I won't be doing it again anytime soon. That's a promise.

 ☼

I did try not to cut. I even put on my sneakers - which I never, ever wear - and went out for a run to try and stop the pain I was feeling. I don't run. I just don't. But I did. And I liked it. So I've been gathering up a Playlist of run-worthy songs on my iPod, and as soon as the weather isn't crappish, I'm going to keep doing it. I WILL run that 5K this year!! Another promise.

☼

Anyway, CM, if you're out there reading this (which I doubt, but you never know), please stop this nonsense and be my friend again. Please?

☼

Here's another thing I posted this week, that I think you should read. I'm actually kind of proud of it. I printed it out and mailed it. Kinda hoping it makes the old man cry again. Is that wrong?

☼

I have to admit, I feel like I've been falling down on the job when it comes to homeschooling. I think we do okay at it when we DO it, but we haven't spent enough time on it since Christmas. Granted, my 5yo went from not knowing all her letter sounds to READING, and my 7yo went from a mid-kinder reading level to a mid/late-first grade level so far this school year, and my 9yo went from being TERRIBLE at math to adding up $80 worth of groceries in her head and only being 3¢ off the actual total... and oodles of other things, but... I'm slacking. There. I said it. I'm slacking. Time to get back in the saddle and be more gung-ho again.

☼

We've been doing lots of Valentine's arts and crafts projects this week, including all these on Tuesday and more stuff today:

 

our bedecked chandelier, and

 

our Valentine (eucalyptus) tree, and

 

our bannisters, and 

 

this little love-note to my alma mater, the U. of Miami. Fun times. I had every intention of doing more academic stuff today, but we had a rough, tough morning, so I made it up to the kids with an afternoon full of buttons, ribbons, glitter and hot glue!

☼

Tonight, I continued the craftiness by finishing up the African Gray (amigurumi) parrot I've been making for a good friend of mine. I had no pattern or experience, really, with amigurumi other than one or two little things, so it was a real challenge for me. I can't show you the picture yet because she hasn't seen it and reads this blog, so I'll just show you my starting point a few weeks ago:

 

She approved of my color choices, but that's it! Everything else will be a surprise. Eek! I'm nervous!

☼

At Bunco last night, Skinny-Minnie T totally made my night by standing next to me and joke-angrily saying that SHE was supposed to be the skinny one, here! At the time, I was wearing size SIX jeans and really needed a belt!! :D

☼

I'll leave you now with this funny (and totally wrong!) little conversation that my husband texted to me. It happened a little while ago:

Hubs, to son Jack, 7: "I'm trying to take a dump, can you leave [the bathroom], please??"

Jack: "I'm trying to look at the damn [valentine] tree!"

I busted a gut. I probably shouldn't share that, but I think it's hee-larious. Some - maybe all - of you are shaking your heads, and I don't care. It's funny to ME!

☼

All right, good-night and happy weekend.

Fin.

Saturday 9: Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying

Link up here if you're playing along today!

1. When was the last time you cried?

Thursday morning at my last therapy session. I'm glad she gets the good tissues.

2. If you could wake up tomorrow with a new talent, what would it be?

I would love to be an incredible gymnast. (I think the hubs would like that, too...)

3. Who is someone (other than yourself) would you like to go back into your past and talk to and why?

My ex-stepmother. If I had the emotional fortitude, I would ream her up one side and down the other for what she did to my psyche.

4. What is your favorite meal eating out?

Scallops. I love those critters.

5. Do you feel energized or drained by being in a group situation? If the answer is "it depends," on what does it depend?

It depends! Like, on Thursday afternoon, I ran my first Daisy Girl Scout meeting, and it was absolutely exhausting. But when I'm with a group of my friends, like at Bunco night, I tend to get a bit hyper.

6. What word do you use far too frequently?

The f-bomb, I'm afraid. I have a pretty foul mouth.

7. What’s a word you’ve invented? (alternate question: What needs a word but doesn’t have one yet?)

Not really a word I made up, but you know that smell you get inside your head when you're sick? I call that "Gorg butter," because when I first got remember getting it, I was watching that episode of Fraggle Rock.

8. Pick out one of your favorite songs. Go to Song Facts and tell us about the song's history.

Tears in Heaven, by Eric Clapton:

"Clapton wrote this about his 4-year-old son Conor, who died when he fell out of a 53rd floor window in the apartment where his mother was staying in New York City. Clapton had one other child at the time: His daughter Ruth was born in 1987, the year after Conor was born."

More here.

We played this song at my son Robby's memorial service.

9. What is your absolute favorite piece of furniture you have and why?

Our couches. So comfy. I sleep on them all the time.

Fin.

Saturday 9: Go Your Own Way

Saturday 9 is served up by Crazy Sam - link up if you're playing along!

1. When was the last time you were told to go your own way?

Earlier tonight, but I can't really discuss the specifics of that conversation, sorreh!

2. What one experience has strengthened your character the most so far?

Regular readers might expect me to say something about the death of my son, but I feel so weakened by that experience, that I don't know if that's true. I can't even think of what has. Maybe the death of my mom when I was a little girl. That completely shaped who I am today, as an adult, a wife, a woman, a mother...

3. What's your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

I have a lot of choices. I can completely entertain myself, whether it's farting around online, knitting or crocheting, reading, watching a movie with the kids, scrapping... you get the idear.

4. How long can you go without your cell phone?

Dude. If I stir in my sleep, I grab it to check my email. I have an iPhone. I can't live without it.

5. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Oh, hell yes. Same people, but anywhere but here. I freaking hate this house.

6. Of all the people you've ever known, who have you most feared?

My ex-stepmother. She laughed at me when I told her I was afraid of her, once. Fucking psychotic bitch.

7. Do people tell you that you look your age?

No. I mostly hear that I look a lot younger. Mostly by me.

8. Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?

Depends on which ex. If it's my most recent ex, I wouldn't say anything. I'd just slam the door in his nasty face. (I'm talking about Jamil, if you're wondering...)

9. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

It completely depends on what they have done, but generally, yes.

Fin.