Smellyann Strikes Again

Already Falling Behind

Whoops, I'm a day behind already and we've only been back since Monday!

Wednesday was a busy one for me. We got up pretty early for us on a Wednesday morning (8:30 ish) and had breakfast. Afterward, since Barbara was coming, we had to do some cleaning up. Not a terrible amount, since Stephanie did an awesome job of keeping the place neat while we were gone, but we had gotten some toys out and had a lot to put away still from the trip. The kids were a great help. When they are in the mood to clean up, you can't beat them! When they are not in the mood, you want to! Hehe, kidding of course.

Barbara came while I was still downstairs in my nighty, picking things up, so we said our hellos and how-do-you-dos, and then I high-tailed it up into a shower. Oh, the cool water felt so good. I love a cold shower in the summer, especially after working up a sweat doing some cleaning or something. Do you? Am I the only one? My husband HATES them and will take the hottest shower possible, no matter how hot he already is.

So after my shower, I unpacked my suitcases and put them away, piddled around doing a few more things so she could clean in there, and left.  The kids love going for rides in the car, so I planned several errands for Barbara Day.

First stop: New glasses for Chloë! The day we left for Spain (hi, my trip is over and I'm still excited about it), I had taken her to For Eyes to pick them up. Well, guess what? They were the wrong effing prescription!  Someone had put minuses where there should have been plusses, and my girl said, "Uh, these are not the glasses I ordered. I can't see a thing!" What?! Sure enough, when the tech checked them, they were for near-sighted folks and not my extremely far-sighted little darling. So, anyway, they never called Stephanie in our absence, and she was still wearing the old-old glasses (the old glasses broke) of yore.

[I'd show you a really cute picture of her in her glasses, because I think they look just DARLING on her, but now I can't upload pictures to the computer from my camera at all. Freaking technology!! I finally get Typepad settled down, by switching to Firefox instead of IE once again, and now the computer doesn't recognize that there are pictures on my camera to upload. Thankfully the Europe ones worked, but now I have to settle that mess. Another pictureless blog for you, sorry!]

After that, we headed to the library, to bring back the last book before it was due the following day. I don't relish paying those kinds of fees at all. Well, any fees, come to think of it, but certainly not something totally avoidable. Anyway, I let Chloë out at the curb so she could put her book in the drop box, a new 'chore' she loves to do. I also recently started letting her cross the street by herself, to put out the outgoing mail, and I know she feels so grown up doing it!

Meanwhile, there are kids younger than her doing far more adventurous things on their own, but ours is a busy street, and what can I say? I don't like the idea of a squashed Chloë.

The babies started yammering about being hungry (always wanting to be fed, that lot), so before I knew what was happening, Vanna started turning away from the grocery store and toward our favorite Barbara Day locale: Panera. Oh, Panera, how I missed you during our fortnight away!  Lunch was good, very, very good, and the kids ate all their food. Love that!

A silly old goose of a lady stopped by our table and said, "Look at all your children! They're all yours? Did they all come at the same time?" I just smirked and said "no," but Chloë felt the need to be more informative: "I'm six and a half. I'm the oldest. He's five, and she's three. And he had a twin brother, but he died." The lady looked at me, made a face, shrugged, and walked away, saying, "How nice." I had to laugh, before I turned to Chloë and, yet again, explained that we don't need to tell Every. Single. Person. that we meet about Robby. "But why?" she asked. I blurted out, "Because it's none of their damn business!" And you know what? It's not.

But I know I'll be explaining that one for a while.

I had planned to go grocery shopping, to get a few things in the house that we needed and in preparation for Bunco, but Jack was rubbing his eyes at the table. His father called to check in, and when I asked him if he'd mind going to the store for me when he got home, because his son was tired and needed a nap, Jack snapped, "I'm NOT tired!!"

In the car, five minutes later, he was sound asleep and snoring his little sweet snore.

So we drove home, where I chided the kids as usual for walking on my freshly-cleaned carpet with their shoes on, and settled the kids down for naps. They all must have been tired, because I didn't hear a peep out of them. Zonk.

I would have liked to nap myself, but it was time to set up for Bunco! It took me about 15 minutes, but I finally lugged the big-ass treadmill out of the middle of the room, to the side by the back door. I opened the two new packages of card table and chairs, setting one up on the living room and the other in the office. I took all the booster seats off the kitchen chairs, and set out the Bunco dice, pencils, and bell. Ready! Now I just needed that food.

I was hoping people would be late as usual to Bunco, but every single person showed up right on time! Gah! I was still rushing around, making the vodka punch for Drunko Bunko, and putting out the dishes and forks and server-ware stuff, while the house was filling up with food. I have decided, since we're not leaving this area, at least we need to buy a bigger house so I can properly host Bunco. There just is not a lot of room here!

No? You don't think so? Well, at least I have managed to talk my husband into new carpets. Ours are SHOT. Maybe we'll go for wood floors, though. We'll see. And kitchen appliances are next on the list. Ours SUUUUCK.

Anyway, Bunco was a lot of fun. If you remember my blogging about hosting it last September, I was a nervous wreck!!  This time was so different. I didn't have time to stress about it, Barbara had cleaned the place up, and there was just one issue: the litter box. Ugh. It was full to bursting after two weeks away, and though I emptied it, the smell lingered on. Even my new Oust Air & Surface cleaner didn't take the stench away, dagnabbit, and I found out from Stephanie that they were talking about it during Bunco! Ahhhh! How embarassing. I sent out an email after Bunco, apologizing to everyone about it!

I had bought enough Bunco prizes in Europe for everyone to go away with something. Usually, there are seven prizes, to split amongst 12 people. I bought extras, a little from Spain, some from France, from Italy, from Greece, and from Croatia, so that each person would get something. They loved this idea! They all oohed and ahhed as I brought the items out of the bag where I'd hidden them, and when I asked 15 times if they liked the prizes, they all assured me that they did. Stephanie won top prize, so she picked out a coconut necklace from Nice and a leather-and-beads bracelet from Croatia. Looks great on her, with her coloring, too! (Yes, I actually bought something leather. I know!)

Oh. Drunko Bunko: Steph and I had made prior arrangements to get completely smashed and have her spend the night. I was buzzed early on, but I get red-faced and sweaty when I drink, so I decided to save my drinking for the private post-party.  Stephanie, not so much. She was HAMMERED. And hilarious. We were all laughing at her, and she was laughing at herself. (Now that you know she won first prize, you can see how little skill this game requires!) When everyone left, she insisted on pouring me some more punch. Spiked with the Limoncello from Sicily. Ahh, good stuff. I was toast shortly afterward.  I haven't been that way since I turned 21 ten years ago, and we had a good time, just laaaaughing and laaaaaughing and being silly and raunchy. Rob joined in on the party - not the drinking, just the funning - and the three of us giggled ourselves into oblivion. I have a few funny pictures, but again, I can't show them tonight!

Soon enough, we were passed out on our respective couches, and Rob went upstairs to bed. When he got up at 0400 for work, Steph woke up and texted him that the shower and my snoring were keeping her awake! So he ushered her upstairs to our bed, where she spent the rest of the night.

This morning, I woke up first, when Sophia and Jack got right in my face singing, "Good morning, Mommy, we're hungry!!" Chloë joined shortly afterward, and then Steph made her way down. We had a very unhealthy breakfast of Bunco leftovers, and then we sat at the new card table in the office and made a stickers-and-foam Christmas craft that my MIL had sent months ago (obviously) for project time. I have pictures of this, too, but alas...  We all helped, and it came together quickly. The kids did a really good job, even though Jack threw in the towel early to go play with cars.

After that it was lunch time, and I think I made five different things for lunch. But no matter. Everyone ate something healthy, and their bellies were filled. Time to go to the pool! We suited up the kids and sprayed them down with sunscreen, before getting ready ourselves. Of course, we neglected to use SPF on our own bodies, and that was our fatal mistake.

Man, after two weeks in the Mediterranean and no burn (and no sunscreen then, either, because I am apparently stupid), it was pretty annoying to get such a bad burn today after ONE HOUR at the pool on an overcast day!  Just goes to show you, you can never be too careful or sure where the sun is going to get you. But I am fried, and Steph got herself a nice sunburn, too, for the sixth time in her life. A couple of dumb bunnies we are!

Fortunately, the kids were unharmed. Sophie did get a little color, but Sophie always gets a little color. She tans, though - and yes, I know, even a tan is a sign of sun damage. But it's far better than a burn, especially on one so small.

Anyway, we came home, gave the kiddies a snack, and sent them down for much-needed naps. Again, they were quite worn out and didn't make a peep! Stephanie left then, and I tried a dozen times more to post on the European blog, with no success. But if you'll check, I have finished posting about Day One now, so go read!

Argh, I'm yawning my head off, so it's time to cut this pictureless saga short. Long? Not much happened the rest of the day, anyway, other than my getting the chills so bad that Rob had to lay on top of me to get me warm. I'm better now, and tomorrow is another day.

Fin.

Pookatello, Pookatello

The second panel of my stripey blanket is coming along now. The first two times I knit this blanket, it seemed to fly much faster than this one is. Now it seems like it's dragging on and on forever.  I think I'm going to stick with it for a while, at least to the end of this panel.

So my shrink paid me a visit at home today. No, I wasn't having any mental crises - she came to pick up the 36 packages for the hospital. It was weird having her here. I've said it before, we could totally be friends outside of our therapeutic relationship. We shot the breeze, talked about the kids and the Farmer's Market and strawberries (note to self: go see Uncle Chuck tomorrow), and then she was off before the school buses started coming to hamper her escape.

The big kids came home from school shortly thereafter, and I quickly got everyone's teeth brushed for their visit to the dentist. We had but five minutes, so I knew I was going to get some comments from the dentist, and I surely did - but mostly about their thumbsucking. It's a hard habit to break, for sure, and we try. But I sucked my thumb until I was nine! I know that if they want to suck their thumbs, there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

It was Sophie's first time in the dentist chair. I thought, being the brute that she is, she would be the bravest one and take her treatment like a tramp. Er, champ! :O But no, she started wailing as soon as he began to raise the chair. He tried to calm her down, but she wouldn't have it. She was skeered. So he let her go without touching her, and that was that. He doesn't push it; he wants little kids to have a good view of the dentist. So far, it works. My big kids love going, even though Jack had a similar first visit.

After that, it was Brownies time.  I have officially come down with the cold whose existence I've been denying all week, so I didn't feel like sticking around. The bitties and I just dropped her off, and we went back home to chill for an hour. When we returned, all the girls were waiting outside with the moms, who were chatting. Normally I'm over there with them, so they all kind of looked at me quizzically as I scooped up my Biggun, waved, and drove off!

They probably just think I have quite the busy little life.

Nah. I sent everyone upstairs for quiet time, and I zonked on the couch myself. I think Rob woke me to tell me something when he came home, but I can't for the life of me remember what. And now he's passed out upstairs, Jack hasn't gotten his shot, and it's garbage and recycling night. Guess I better go get busy.... waking him up, what'd you think, I was going to do it?!

Fin.

Tender Loving CARE

This decision has been a long time coming. I have been thinking this over for the past year. Or two years, or three, I don't know. I've discussed it at length with my therapist. And it weighed heavily on my heart tonight (this morning?) as I completed assembly of the packages by printing out the cards that go with them, inserting those with wristbands and business cards, and labeling them with size and sex designations.

It's a lot of work to run this charity. That, I don't mind. If that were all, I would keep doing it indefinitely.

But it takes a lot out of me. I put my heart and soul in each item I make, and that can take away what I'm able to give the rest of my children sometimes. I want to be able to make things for them whenever I feel like it, too. And, yeah, I'd like to be able to (maybe?) sell my creations and (maybe?) turn a small profit.

So, the time has come to make this announcement: By the fifth anniversary of CARE Package, which will be in March, 2009, I will step down from running this charity. It may be sooner; it may be when we move to Pensacola. Or wherever we end up going.

I'm tired. I need to focus on something else.

Fin.

Let's Not Do Anything Rash

I got another Bloggy Giveaway prize in the mail! This bracelet, though, is not exactly what I thought it was going to be: A thick, beaded bracelet on stretchy elastic. Instead, it's on wire, with three coils. I'm donating it to Chloë for the time being. I like it, but obviously not enough to, uh, bother taking a halfway decent picture...

Also in the mail: Our  Mediterranean cruise tickets!!! In a fancy, non-plasticky envelope. If I could do cartwheels right now, I'd have done a hundred. We're going, we're really going!!!! In just over six weeks!

Rob looking all cute and athletic after his Dodgeball games yesterday. Note that he now has as many crow's feet wrinkles as tattoos. Hehe, my boy is getting old (and I like it)!

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I puttered around and wound the natural, undyed (white) wool that I bought at MD Sheep & Wool into a useable (and humongo)center-pull cake. I figured on crocheting a blanket for the red sweater set today with it.

Well, add that to the long list of things to which I am highly allergic. I woke up this morning with severe, painfully itchy rash, one which even massive dosages of Benadryl couldn't combat. Wanna see? Sure you don't.

Very attractive, no? Especially on such chubbiness. Now picture that over every square inch of my body, sparing only (thank heavens) my face. I took my Bennies. I sprayed my Kenalog spray. I scratched myself violently from head to toe - violating the corner of the wall in an illegal manner in 23 states. It was of no use. The rash wouldn't go away, and it hurt like hell, and I was fecking miserable. I canceled Sophie's and my plans to visit the ladies at the Knitting Corner (a LYS), dashing off an apologetic email before retreating to my corner of shame. I was disappointed, but I just did not want to go out in such a state. It's ugly and embarrassing, and really, do they need to watch me digging my nails into my ass? I didn't think so.

When it looked like the reaction wouldn't abate, I threw caution to the wind and decided to crochet the hell out of that blanket anyway.  While we watched morning shows, I made it in more or less one three-hour sitting. I didn't notice it before, but you can see the natural variations in the "white" portion, which adds interest for me.

One more complete set, (almost) ready for donation!

So that was complete, and  yeah, using that wool for that long didn't help the allergy at all, in case you were wondering. Worse than ever. Mommy in a great mood. Not. (Tomorrow's my follow-up appointment for the allergy test, and I don't think I've ever been more excited for a non-prenatal doctor visit in my life!)

I decided it was finally dive into my ever-growing stash of FOs (finished objects) - both mine and donated - to see how many packages I could make. First I sort out the items by category:

Sweaters/gowns and hats/bonnets

Booties and blankets

Some of those hats are a sight bigger than preemie-size...

And then I match them up to make a complete set, with one item from each pile. I try to do it so the gown, booties and hat coordinate well, and then pick a matching but contrasting blankie so the baby will stand out in pictures.

Imagine my surprise in finding about three dozen complete packages that required absolutely no additions at all! That rarely happens; I'm usually labeling each of them with a sticky note telling what needs to be made to finish the set. Love it.

Soon, after I finish the two - just two! - packages that need additional items, I will donate these to the hospital via my therapist's ladies group. She's on some board there, and her group gets credit hours for the packages, which earns them money, which they then turn around and donate back to the hospital. Don't ask me to explain that again, because I find it all very confusing. I'm just happy if the packages get where they need to go, and judging from yesterday's post, they do!

After dinner and the kids' bedtime, I headed to the grocery store (with a single tote bag, for once) for a few necessities that couldn't wait until the weekend. It wasn't a good trip for me, because shortly after I started pushing an empty cart around the store, my back seized up and made it very difficult for me to keep moving.

[I have nerve damage from the spinal I received for my last c-section, which causes my lower back to cramp up and feel like all the vertebrae are fused together, immobilizing me, and gives me incredible spasms that climb up my spine and go around my neck. It's extremely painful.]

As I made my way around the store, slowly but surely, I was shuddering at the idea of getting back on the treadmill once at home. Dr. Mann, the bariatric surgeon, seems to think I should just be out there exercising my fool head off! I have tried low- and no-impact exercises that "should not" affect my back - swimming and walking, namely - but I don't think Mann understands the nature and extent of the pain in which I find myself. Simply put, it's debilitating. This frustrates me to no end. Do I want to be in this condition? Of course not! Do I want my physical function to be limited? Hell no!

At the hospital for my hysterectomy, when talking to the anesthesiologists, I cried when they talked about giving me a spinal. In the end, I refused to do it, having multiple anesth. docs come try to talk me into it. Instead, I decided to go with a solution that involved the risk of me feeling the entire surgery. I didn't, thankfully, but I would rather go through that than injure my back worse than it is.

All this to say, screw you, Dr. Mann! Meanwhile, I still haven't called to get a referral for a civilian surgeon. Perhaps tomorrow.

Perhaps tomorrow. Story of my life.

Fin.

If the Pain of Loss Were Currency, We Would Be Millionaires

I finished the taxes, finally, and am now going through the overstuffed filing cabinets to see what I can get rid of. I need to make space or I won't be able to shut the drawers, soon.

There is a file simply marked "Guam" at the back of one drawer.  I have carried it with me from that far-away island and not dared to look at it for five years. Five years, we'll have lived here, on the 20th. Five years since everything in the world stopped for me and started moving in a different direction. The earth's rotation changed. Our orbit around the sun changed simultaneously with our own little paths around each other, through life.  Five years of pretend-forgetting every night and real-remembering every morning.

Five years is a long time. But, I realized today when I decided to pull out that file and inspect its contents, it is not enough. It will never be enough. It is always going to hurt.

First, there were the street maps of Guam, together with pamphlets about fun family things to do. I looked over these with interest and kept the maps, as I love them. Then there were the papers involving set-up of our home on the Air Force base, our telephone service, and other such things.  I'm still doing okay. It's actually fun to see these again, I think. Living there amongst so many Asian and South Pacific Islanders was incredibly fun and, shall I say it again, interesting. I love, love multiculturalism. Adore it.

Papers from the hospital came next. Oh, here we go. I inhaled deeply and pressed on. Information about breastfeeding. So, I've done that before. Information about premature babies... Information about multiples... but I'm still smiling. I'm handling it well, I think.

But then there were the cards and letters, from friends and family, congratulating us on the pregnancy. Some were just in general, and some mentioned the twins. Stab. Then there were the anniversary cards and Valentines letters from Rob, signed "Robby." I used to call him that all the time. I haven't called him that in almost five years. I can't. Occasionally, I try to, because I sort of want to, but I can't. It just doesn't feel right anymore. But it wasn't until I pulled out a stream of stickers, each marked, "Registered at www.morethanone.com" that the sob escaped from me before I knew it was coming. And then more sobs, until finally I was wailing like I haven't in at least three years, if not four.

Guam will always be equated with the death of our son, for me. It didn't even happen there, but in a way, that's where it all happened. Finding out, albeit for the second time; the constant doctor visits; the frustrating search for the nearly invisible membrane that, to them, would prove I couldn't have TTTS; the supertyphoon and the Third World conditions that followed; evacuating me and the boys-to-be. When I think about my pregnancy and everything, I don't think about Portsmouth at first. I think about Guam.

It is always going to hurt. And sometimes, once again, my heart will break.

Fin.

Please Help CARE Package!

Parade Magazine is presenting America’s Giving Challenge and awarding $500,000 to charities whose supporters have attracted the most unique donors to their cause using new and innovative online tools.

The 100 nonprofits with the greatest number of total donations made to them through America’s Giving Challenge will each get $1,000.

Please help! We have less than a dollar in our coffers right now, and your $10-minimum donation would help so much. If we made it to $1,000, it would be the most we've ever had by a long shot!  Visit Giving Challenge for more information.  Thanks!

Fin.

Worldwide Candle Lighting

Held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 9, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting is a gift from The Compassionate Friends to the bereavement community allowing us all to join together in unity to remember and honor the memories of all children so they may never be forgotten.

Believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of special children to always be remembered.

We always just do this in our home, since there isn't one in Virginia Beach. This year, I added our own home to the list as a meeting place. Doubt anyone will show up, but at least we're representin'!

Anyway, light a candle in memory of Robby, your little one, or all the babies at 7 PM on Sunday.