Smellyann Strikes Again

Dearly Beloved, Episode I Don't Know

Yep, it's time again for another edition of letters-to-whomever; I just hope I can remember everyone I wanted to address, because I store these things in the ol' cranium until I spit them out here on this page. So, with that, let's have at it, shall we then?

Dear Next-Door Neighbor,

You know, leaf blowers have to be the stupidest invention ever, but think about it: We live in connected townhouses, and the grass that you've mowed in your postage-stamp size front yard that you're now blowing OUT of said yard? Um, guess where it's going? Right. MY driveway and yard. I don't really give a feck, because leaving grass clippings on the lawn is good for it, and it'll rain in five minutes and wash away off the driveway anyway, but still. What if we had one, too? Where do you think it would go? Shall we play dueling leaf blowers? Gah. Give it a rest. It's bad enough you share your lovely ciggy smoke with us and keep me from leaving my windows open for some fresh air.

Sincerely,

The Chick Who Always Looks at You With One Eyebrow Raised

Dear Clueless Drivers,

For the LOVE OF GOD, it's now Hurricane Season, and the downpours have begun in Hampton Roads; turn on your damn lights!! There's nothing I love more (not) than not being able to see you until it's almost too late to keep from crashing into you, or vice versa, because you're too stupid to realize you're practically invisible in a deluge without your headlights ablaze. Turn. Them. On.

Sincerely,

Woulda Failed You on Your Driving Test

 

Dear Thoughtless Drivers,

It's late Spring, which means the growing families with their multiple ducklings and goslings are all over the neighborhood, especially by the lakes. I realize they don't always get out of your way fast enough, but have a heart and don't mow them down. There's a special place in Hell for those of you who intentionally swerve your car to hit a Mallard or Canada goose who isn't moving fast enough for your tastes. And while I'm on the subject, the nabe speed limit is 25, not 50. Kids abound in these streets and sidewalks. Take it down a notch, will ya? This ain't the autobahn.

Signed,

Would Rather Not Find ANY Offspring Squished in the Street, Thanks

Dear 7-11 Lady,

I realize tactfulness is not a prominent trait amongst Asians and Hispanics alike, generally speaking, but telling me "You've gotten fat! You gain a lot of weight! Look at my body, I have five children and my body never change!" is not exactly the way to win people over. And FYI, it's not fat, it's called a HERNIA. I have no control over my belly sticking out, until I get it fixed. Geez. Thanks for ruining what was otherwise a pretty swell day.

Signed,

Taken Aback

Dear Morning Radio DJ-ess,

The Dude carries the show. Have you ever listened to yourself? Every other so-called comment out of your mouth is, "Mm-hmm!" Really? Give me the job. I can think of a few more things to say than that 87 times an hour.

Sincerely,

The Dumb One Who Listens to You Anyway

To My Bosom:

Pick a hemisphere, preferably the Northern one, please. And while we're talking, can I just say, would the two of you decide whether you're going to pop out the top of my bras or the bottom? Not knowing where you're going to show up next is disconcerting at best.

Sincerely,

You (Don't) Lift Me Up

Dear Stupid People,

You know who you are. Oh, wait. You probably don't. I guess it really isn't your fault, then, so let me just paraphrase Shakespeare and say I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. When you hear me going, "Yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm," like a certain afore-mentioned radio DJ, that's me really thinking, "You're too much of an idiot to warrant a proper retort from me."

Signed,

Rolling Eyes Heavenward

Dear New Neighbor Lady,

Yeah. You have neighbors now, and have you seen our driveway? It's a nightmare, but still, you don't own it. For Pedro's S8ake, PLEASE pull forward, or park somewhere else, anywhere but the exact point where I can neither get in nor out without ripping something off the bottom of my van. I swear, if you're parked thataways again today when I bring over another load of household wares, you're going to see me knocking on your door with a saccharine smile, asking you to Move. It. Now. And that won't be a basket of muffins I'm carrying. Just sayin'.

Signed,

Really Now.

Dear AT&T Tech Support Guy,

You are my new hero. When my iPhone went down for two days, and I was stuck borrowing Chloë's Crapberry, it was sheer misery. I hated every second of it. All of y'all out there using a Blackberry who have never had an iPhone, I pity you. I do. Do yourselves a favor and switch, because your phones suck hairy butt. And that is not fun.

Signed,

An Apple A Day Keeps The BlackBerry Away

☼

On that note, I have to do something that involves all the prunes I ate last night, ahem, so I'm going to close this edition and, uh, grab a magazine. Hee!

Fin.

Dear Mr. So-And-So

I've tried about 15 times to go lie down and get to sleep, but I can't seem to get there, so I thought it was time for another long-awaited episode of open letters to whomever I think of next. Ready? Set? Go!

☼

Dear Mamacita,

Happy 72nd birthday! Thank you for being such an inspiring and informative woman, but, more to the point, thank you for giving birth to the one and only true love of my life. He, and thus you, are the source of all happinesses I have experienced in the past eleven years.

May it be a blessed, fantastic year ahead for you.

Love,

Hijita

☼

Dear Sheriff Who Pulled Me Over on the Way Home From the Hospital Tonight,

You kick big butt. Thank you for letting me off with a warning, after I blocked an intersection in my hurry to get home and pick up the kids from Jenny From The Block's house. It was the best possible thing that could have happened today, other than not getting pulled over at all. But, since I was going 65 in a 40 on the way to the hospital earlier, I'm lucky, grateful, and glad.

Sincerely,

Not The Best Driver (But Don't Tell My Husband I Admitted It) (or my insurance co.)

P.S. Thank you, too, to the nice lady who let me back in the crazy Effingham-to-tunnel traffic instead of making me sit there 'til Kingcom Come. You rock, too.

☼

Dear Cavernous Angioma in My Husband's Cerebellum,

Oh hai. Go away. You freak me out, you cause me untold amounts of stress, and I am terrified you're going to start bleeding and make all sorts of trouble we don't even know is possible yet. Thanks for being benign and stuff, but since that doesn't necessarily mean you're not harmful, I use the word "thanks" loosely. Now. Hie thee away and don't come back.

From,

The Frantic Wife

P.S. Take all those lecunar infarctious dotty-spotties with you, eh?

☼

Dear BFF a.k.a. Dr. Lisa a.k.a. "House,"

Thank you. If it weren't for you and your smrats, I wouldn't have insisted Rob come home from work last Friday and get to the ER, and who knows what may have happened if he hadn't? I love you, I love you, and I love you.

Love,

Habibti-Amiga

☼

Dear Rob,

I'm glad you're alive. Of course I am. But I'm even more glad that, despite your strokes-or-whatever-they-are, benign brain tumor, and other cranial ailments, you're here for me to laugh with and enjoy. Remember that time you were in the hospital room with three other guys ranging from you to the quiet guy next door to the skirt-chasing Senior with whom you used to work to the gin-craving O5, and you wanted me to close the curtain so I could do naughty things to you? I wish I had. You totally deserved it. Hee. I'll getcha later. ;)

☼

Dear Dad,

Facebook is for sharing important information, like the fact that your husband is going through the above-mentioned crises, so that the people who care can find out and, hopefully, pray. Having a stroke is not "too private an issue" to share there, IMHO. Also, have you met me? Few things are relegated to that category in my world. Also, pbbbbttthhh.

Love,

Your Disagreeing but Loving Daughter

☼

Dear Current Doily On Which I Toil,

You're ugly, and your mama dresses you funny. As soon as I get back to you, I'm ripping you out. It might hurt, but I will be ruthless and relentless in doing so. Besides, you were meant for greater things. No, no, don't cry, it wasn't meant to be. We shall meet again, on a more suitable project. In the meantime, back to the bin you'll go.

Signed,

Fearless Craftylady-type

☼

Dear Cold From Which I Currently Suffer,

You SUCK. NOW?! Really? I needed you now? You SUCK!!

In Kleenex' Name,

Achoo

☼

Dear Hospital Kleenex,

I appreciate your three-ply softness and strength, but what is UP with that awful smell? I mean, you're meant for noses, albeit stuffy ones, so maybe come up with a non-disgusting odor for those of us who have to use you sixteen hundred times while visiting patients. Also, what's up with the design on the INSIDE ply? What purpose does that serve? Inquiring minds want to know.

Curiously,

Prefers Puffs Plus

☼

Dear OOPSY on Hanging With Friends,

I beat you once. I'll do it again. It might take me another six months, but consider yourself warned.

Smugly,

The One Who Beat You Once Out of 75 Games :P

☼

Dear Jenny From The Block,

Thank you for keeping my babes for me so I could visit Rob-Bobbert in the hospital. You're made of Awesomesauce, as our fellow Turtle, Donny, would say. That is all. You know I loves ya, girlfriend. Now drive safely on up to H, and be fearless in dealing with her son. You can do eet!

Lovingly,

Michelangelo

P.S. I hope you get to watch her surgery!!

☼

That's all I can think of for now, and they're completely different that the 19 or so I've composed in my head since last week, so maybe I'll be back sooner than you think with another go-round.

Ciao for now!

Fin.

Dearly Beloved: Part The Third

Dear Christmas,

I didn't get pictures taken this year, and I didn't send out any cards. We didn't put up any decorations and only got about a quarter of the ornaments on the tree. I didn't bake a single cookie or place a speck of glitter anywhere. And yet, you still arrived, and behold, it was good. Thanks for showing up despite my sad lack of preparation.

Sincerely,

Remembering The Reason

********

Dear Robby,

It's Mama. Listen, Honey, before you were born, Daddy was "Robby." And then you came... and went, and that's what we called you since before you were even conceived, so the epithet went with you. I never called Daddy that again, because it belonged to you. But it's been almost eight years, and I've suddenly started using it for your dad again. I can't explain why. I hope you don't mind.  I'm thinking we'll be cool as long as I don't start calling him "Baby A," though, right?

Love,

Mommy

********

To the bitchy lady in the 7-11 parking lot,

Listen, Toots, I'm sorry that my face connected with your car door that night. I'm sure it really put you out that I smashed my cheek and forehead into the door you opened up all the way, right behind me, so that I had no choice but to run into it when I turned around. But, really? Your reaction - was that so necessary? "You're the one who ran into MY car!" My face has been swollen and bruised for over a week since then. Pretty sure your car's just fine. I'm thinkin' maybe a little compassion wouldn't kill you. Might crack that tight face, though. Just sayin'.

Signed,

No I'm NOT Okay, Thanks

********

Dear Massive Amounts of Snow Sitting Outside My Front Door,

I seriously hate you. You're keeping me from my Diet Coke and chocolate. Go away!

Signed,

Thanking God for Coffee

********

Dear Checking Account Balance,

Stop being so negative already. Think positive!

From,

Broke as a Joke

********

Dear Readers,

You rock. You're awesome. All dozen of you. (I know, I'm loaded with fans!) I could use a little pick-me-up right now, so maybe leave a "hi" in the comments for me? I swear it will help.

Love,

Smellyann

********

Fin.

Dearly Beloved, Parte Dos

 

Dear Miami Hurricanes,

Please don't suck against the FSU Seminoles tonight, like you did a few weeks ago against the Ohio State Buckeyes. I'm sorry I'm not there in person to root for you in this game of games, but please, don't let me down.  Now that I've decided to keep up with you again, get out there and kick some boo-tay!

Love,

A Loyal Alumna

********

Dear Seminoles,

 

Also, this.

Sincerely,

A Loyal Talla-hater

********

Dear Contact Lenses,

It really doesn't work when you jump out of your cases and get mixed up. Then I can't even see to fix you. Well, unless I close one eye and cross the other, tilting my head a little to the side. And you know what? I really can't drive that way.

From,

The Moron Who Refuses To Take Responsibility

********

Dear Father of Two Cute Boys,

You're handsome and all, and I know I'm pretty much adorable right now, but I saw that ring on your finger. Did you see the one on mine? Keep it in your pants.

Signed,

Not Gonna Happen

********

Dear Diet Coke,

I'm going to leave my husband for you, and we'll make beautiful babies together. It'll be historical, a human-carbonated beverage mating. Our kids will probably be sterile, but delicious. What do you think?

Yours Truly,

The Addict

********

Dear Hubs,

When you run out of gas once, it's understandable and forgiveable.  When you run out of gas the second time in the same week, it's a lot more annoying. And then the third time, an hour after the last time, when you're on your way home for my shrink appointment, that I'm now going to miss? Maybe you shouldn't be so surprised when I'm a little bit pissed. I'm just sayin'.

Love,

The Ol' Ball and Chain

P.S. I totally waited over a half-hour for the kids to wake up, before I came to rescue you. Sorry.

********

Dear Money,

Please jump into my wallet.

Fondly,

Broke Mama

********
Fin.

Dearly Beloved, Parte Uno

Dear Self,

Please remember to put clothes on the children - especially shirts on the girls - when you want to take pictures of them to post here on le blahg, so you don't have to do this in Paint:

 

Also, it's probably a good idea to start thinking about switching out the Summer clothes for Fall, now that it's almost October. Just sayin'.

Love,

Me

********

Dear Navy,

I LOVE this uniform on the hubs. Thanks for making the switch.

Signed,

Amorous Housewife

********

Dear Rob,

Wear the hat when you come home, too. I promise you won't regret it.

Love,

Heh Heh Heh

********

Dear ALL Men,

Was I invisible when I had an extra 200 pounds on me? Because I swear you all didn't run to open doors for me like you do now. I mean, I appreciate it and all, but chivalry doesn't stop over a certain BMI, you know?

Sincerely,

Former Chubster

********

Dear New Therapist,

I can tell you're seriously great at what you do and all, but can you try to be a little less judgy in the process? It's not exactly what I'm going for.

Also, would it kill you to crack a smile when I'm making my stupid jokes, once in a while? I promise I don't really duct tape my children to their beds at night.

And one more thing: Seriously? You got stuck in traffic three out of the last three times I had an appointment with you? My time is valuable, also. Maybe leave earlier? Just a thought.

From,

The One Who Cries Nonstop

********

Dear Beautiful Progeny o' Mine,

Honestly, we don't care WHAT you eat, just please, for the love of God, EAT IT IN THE KITCHEN or don't complain when you see bugs in your room!!!!

Love,

Exasperated Mom & Pop

********
I think this may become a new feature for me. I've been writing lots of mental notes lately.

Fin.