Smellyann Strikes Again

Dear Mr. So-And-So

I've tried about 15 times to go lie down and get to sleep, but I can't seem to get there, so I thought it was time for another long-awaited episode of open letters to whomever I think of next. Ready? Set? Go!

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Dear Mamacita,

Happy 72nd birthday! Thank you for being such an inspiring and informative woman, but, more to the point, thank you for giving birth to the one and only true love of my life. He, and thus you, are the source of all happinesses I have experienced in the past eleven years.

May it be a blessed, fantastic year ahead for you.

Love,

Hijita

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Dear Sheriff Who Pulled Me Over on the Way Home From the Hospital Tonight,

You kick big butt. Thank you for letting me off with a warning, after I blocked an intersection in my hurry to get home and pick up the kids from Jenny From The Block's house. It was the best possible thing that could have happened today, other than not getting pulled over at all. But, since I was going 65 in a 40 on the way to the hospital earlier, I'm lucky, grateful, and glad.

Sincerely,

Not The Best Driver (But Don't Tell My Husband I Admitted It) (or my insurance co.)

P.S. Thank you, too, to the nice lady who let me back in the crazy Effingham-to-tunnel traffic instead of making me sit there 'til Kingcom Come. You rock, too.

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Dear Cavernous Angioma in My Husband's Cerebellum,

Oh hai. Go away. You freak me out, you cause me untold amounts of stress, and I am terrified you're going to start bleeding and make all sorts of trouble we don't even know is possible yet. Thanks for being benign and stuff, but since that doesn't necessarily mean you're not harmful, I use the word "thanks" loosely. Now. Hie thee away and don't come back.

From,

The Frantic Wife

P.S. Take all those lecunar infarctious dotty-spotties with you, eh?

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Dear BFF a.k.a. Dr. Lisa a.k.a. "House,"

Thank you. If it weren't for you and your smrats, I wouldn't have insisted Rob come home from work last Friday and get to the ER, and who knows what may have happened if he hadn't? I love you, I love you, and I love you.

Love,

Habibti-Amiga

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Dear Rob,

I'm glad you're alive. Of course I am. But I'm even more glad that, despite your strokes-or-whatever-they-are, benign brain tumor, and other cranial ailments, you're here for me to laugh with and enjoy. Remember that time you were in the hospital room with three other guys ranging from you to the quiet guy next door to the skirt-chasing Senior with whom you used to work to the gin-craving O5, and you wanted me to close the curtain so I could do naughty things to you? I wish I had. You totally deserved it. Hee. I'll getcha later. ;)

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Dear Dad,

Facebook is for sharing important information, like the fact that your husband is going through the above-mentioned crises, so that the people who care can find out and, hopefully, pray. Having a stroke is not "too private an issue" to share there, IMHO. Also, have you met me? Few things are relegated to that category in my world. Also, pbbbbttthhh.

Love,

Your Disagreeing but Loving Daughter

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Dear Current Doily On Which I Toil,

You're ugly, and your mama dresses you funny. As soon as I get back to you, I'm ripping you out. It might hurt, but I will be ruthless and relentless in doing so. Besides, you were meant for greater things. No, no, don't cry, it wasn't meant to be. We shall meet again, on a more suitable project. In the meantime, back to the bin you'll go.

Signed,

Fearless Craftylady-type

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Dear Cold From Which I Currently Suffer,

You SUCK. NOW?! Really? I needed you now? You SUCK!!

In Kleenex' Name,

Achoo

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Dear Hospital Kleenex,

I appreciate your three-ply softness and strength, but what is UP with that awful smell? I mean, you're meant for noses, albeit stuffy ones, so maybe come up with a non-disgusting odor for those of us who have to use you sixteen hundred times while visiting patients. Also, what's up with the design on the INSIDE ply? What purpose does that serve? Inquiring minds want to know.

Curiously,

Prefers Puffs Plus

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Dear OOPSY on Hanging With Friends,

I beat you once. I'll do it again. It might take me another six months, but consider yourself warned.

Smugly,

The One Who Beat You Once Out of 75 Games :P

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Dear Jenny From The Block,

Thank you for keeping my babes for me so I could visit Rob-Bobbert in the hospital. You're made of Awesomesauce, as our fellow Turtle, Donny, would say. That is all. You know I loves ya, girlfriend. Now drive safely on up to H, and be fearless in dealing with her son. You can do eet!

Lovingly,

Michelangelo

P.S. I hope you get to watch her surgery!!

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That's all I can think of for now, and they're completely different that the 19 or so I've composed in my head since last week, so maybe I'll be back sooner than you think with another go-round.

Ciao for now!

Fin.

Dearly Beloved: Part The Third

Dear Christmas,

I didn't get pictures taken this year, and I didn't send out any cards. We didn't put up any decorations and only got about a quarter of the ornaments on the tree. I didn't bake a single cookie or place a speck of glitter anywhere. And yet, you still arrived, and behold, it was good. Thanks for showing up despite my sad lack of preparation.

Sincerely,

Remembering The Reason

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Dear Robby,

It's Mama. Listen, Honey, before you were born, Daddy was "Robby." And then you came... and went, and that's what we called you since before you were even conceived, so the epithet went with you. I never called Daddy that again, because it belonged to you. But it's been almost eight years, and I've suddenly started using it for your dad again. I can't explain why. I hope you don't mind.  I'm thinking we'll be cool as long as I don't start calling him "Baby A," though, right?

Love,

Mommy

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To the bitchy lady in the 7-11 parking lot,

Listen, Toots, I'm sorry that my face connected with your car door that night. I'm sure it really put you out that I smashed my cheek and forehead into the door you opened up all the way, right behind me, so that I had no choice but to run into it when I turned around. But, really? Your reaction - was that so necessary? "You're the one who ran into MY car!" My face has been swollen and bruised for over a week since then. Pretty sure your car's just fine. I'm thinkin' maybe a little compassion wouldn't kill you. Might crack that tight face, though. Just sayin'.

Signed,

No I'm NOT Okay, Thanks

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Dear Massive Amounts of Snow Sitting Outside My Front Door,

I seriously hate you. You're keeping me from my Diet Coke and chocolate. Go away!

Signed,

Thanking God for Coffee

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Dear Checking Account Balance,

Stop being so negative already. Think positive!

From,

Broke as a Joke

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Dear Readers,

You rock. You're awesome. All dozen of you. (I know, I'm loaded with fans!) I could use a little pick-me-up right now, so maybe leave a "hi" in the comments for me? I swear it will help.

Love,

Smellyann

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Fin.

Dearly Beloved, Parte Dos

 

Dear Miami Hurricanes,

Please don't suck against the FSU Seminoles tonight, like you did a few weeks ago against the Ohio State Buckeyes. I'm sorry I'm not there in person to root for you in this game of games, but please, don't let me down.  Now that I've decided to keep up with you again, get out there and kick some boo-tay!

Love,

A Loyal Alumna

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Dear Seminoles,

 

Also, this.

Sincerely,

A Loyal Talla-hater

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Dear Contact Lenses,

It really doesn't work when you jump out of your cases and get mixed up. Then I can't even see to fix you. Well, unless I close one eye and cross the other, tilting my head a little to the side. And you know what? I really can't drive that way.

From,

The Moron Who Refuses To Take Responsibility

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Dear Father of Two Cute Boys,

You're handsome and all, and I know I'm pretty much adorable right now, but I saw that ring on your finger. Did you see the one on mine? Keep it in your pants.

Signed,

Not Gonna Happen

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Dear Diet Coke,

I'm going to leave my husband for you, and we'll make beautiful babies together. It'll be historical, a human-carbonated beverage mating. Our kids will probably be sterile, but delicious. What do you think?

Yours Truly,

The Addict

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Dear Hubs,

When you run out of gas once, it's understandable and forgiveable.  When you run out of gas the second time in the same week, it's a lot more annoying. And then the third time, an hour after the last time, when you're on your way home for my shrink appointment, that I'm now going to miss? Maybe you shouldn't be so surprised when I'm a little bit pissed. I'm just sayin'.

Love,

The Ol' Ball and Chain

P.S. I totally waited over a half-hour for the kids to wake up, before I came to rescue you. Sorry.

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Dear Money,

Please jump into my wallet.

Fondly,

Broke Mama

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Fin.

Dearly Beloved, Parte Uno

Dear Self,

Please remember to put clothes on the children - especially shirts on the girls - when you want to take pictures of them to post here on le blahg, so you don't have to do this in Paint:

 

Also, it's probably a good idea to start thinking about switching out the Summer clothes for Fall, now that it's almost October. Just sayin'.

Love,

Me

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Dear Navy,

I LOVE this uniform on the hubs. Thanks for making the switch.

Signed,

Amorous Housewife

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Dear Rob,

Wear the hat when you come home, too. I promise you won't regret it.

Love,

Heh Heh Heh

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Dear ALL Men,

Was I invisible when I had an extra 200 pounds on me? Because I swear you all didn't run to open doors for me like you do now. I mean, I appreciate it and all, but chivalry doesn't stop over a certain BMI, you know?

Sincerely,

Former Chubster

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Dear New Therapist,

I can tell you're seriously great at what you do and all, but can you try to be a little less judgy in the process? It's not exactly what I'm going for.

Also, would it kill you to crack a smile when I'm making my stupid jokes, once in a while? I promise I don't really duct tape my children to their beds at night.

And one more thing: Seriously? You got stuck in traffic three out of the last three times I had an appointment with you? My time is valuable, also. Maybe leave earlier? Just a thought.

From,

The One Who Cries Nonstop

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Dear Beautiful Progeny o' Mine,

Honestly, we don't care WHAT you eat, just please, for the love of God, EAT IT IN THE KITCHEN or don't complain when you see bugs in your room!!!!

Love,

Exasperated Mom & Pop

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I think this may become a new feature for me. I've been writing lots of mental notes lately.

Fin.