There's No Irony Here
The Saturday Night Post

Bidus Right In The Ass

Well. One very embarrassing thing happened today - no, two, but only one shall make it into the blog - at the hospital. I shall get to that in a moment.

But first, let me say I am in the middle of doing the monthly 24-hour charity crochet-a-long online, so forgive me for any typos or things that don't make sense. I'm trying to pay attention to two different things.

So I woke up, showered and got dressed, and waited for Stephanie to get here to watch the kids for me so I could go to my pre-op appointment at the hospital. I figured I'd be back in about two hours. It ended up being six hours later and I totally ruined her last day of Spring Break, when we had beautiful 80+ weather. Sorry, Steph!

My first stop was at OB-Oncology. I snoozed for about a half-hour in the exam room waiting for Dr. Michael Bidus (what's up, doc?) to come in and give me the once-over.  Finally, he did, catching me mid-snore upon entering, I think. He got me up on the exam table, poked around at my fat, squishy belly, and wanted to know if I had any questions. Apparently, they are not removing my ovaries after all, so I don't have to go through 20 years of hormone-replacement therapy. Good, except I could still get cancerous ovaries, so we'll have to watch for that and still do annual pelvic exams, which we all love so much.

Anyway, as he was leaving the room, he turned at the door and said, "Nice website, by the way."  I looked up, confused, and said in my most educated tone, "Huh?" I didn't know whether me meant this one (how?) or the CARE Package site (still, how?), so he finally explained it to me: He was googling his name "for professional reasons" and came across my entry about him on this blog!! Yeah, that one - where I said he's handsome and has a wonky eye!!!!  It took me about 2.2 seconds to remember that, and then I blushed harder than I probably ever have and blurted out, "Ohmygod!!!" He laughed, the nurse laughed, and he came over and hugged me and said he just wanted to give me a hard time about it.

I could not stop laughing and blushing after that. And saying, and thinking, OMG! I said he had a googly eye! What else did I say about him??? Rob reminded me later that I said he was a "hottie" which I totally did NOT, tyvm, Robert!   I spent the rest of the day feeling completely mortified.

Afterward, I was in the office of someone else up there, getting paperwork and stuff to bring all around the hospital for the rest of my pre-op tests. He came back in to make sure all my questions were answered and to ask if I knew how to get ahold of him if anything came up. I cracked, "Well, I guess I'll just blog about you and wait for you to call me?"

So here it is - I told him this would be on the blog tonight! Mortifying. So embarassing. Oh!! Would you like to see him for yourselves? Here he is! WDYT?

That was my ha-ha for today. Joke's on me - be careful what you put out there, you never know who might be reading it!


After that, I made tracks around the hospital like Billy in the Family Circus.  My next stop was at Admissions to get a bunch of paperwork handed in and a bunch more handed back at me. When the check-in guy looked at the screen, he looked up at me surprised and said, "Is this you? Melanie Odette?" I thought, who else? and said, "Yesss...." He said, "Oh! You just didn't look like you were in your 30s, I expected you to be about ten years younger!"  Well! You can never hear too much of that sort of thing, can you?  I'll take it! He said, "You have four kids? They're not aging you much, are they?" I didn't bother to correct him and just said, "Well, they definitely are on the inside!" because, you know, I'm such a cute young thang and all. All half-ton of me.

I went back upstairs to the APD (Ambulatory something Department, for surgeries) to check in, and then they took me back for an EKG. I just love it when they have to lift up my boobies to stick things to my stomach, don't you? The men ask you to lift them yourself, but the women just do it themselves. That makes me laugh. I apparently have a right ventricular delay - the last two EKGs have said so - but I don't think it's any kind of big deal.

The anesthesia doctor was my next stop, and he made some notations about my inability to open my mouth very wide (see, Rob? I didn't just make it up!) and tried to coax me out of my nosering. Well, I just can't take it out. I've tried, and I can't. That thing is in it to win it. We'll just all have to deal.

Then I went back downstairs to the laboratory. I had to make weewee in a cup and then get my blood drawn. There was all this big to-do because somewhere between APD and the lab, I lost my "handband," or the bracelet I'll be needing for surgery. I had to wait while it got "tubed" downstairs. More waiting. Endless waiting, today. They should have all been lined up, waiting to have an audience with me, but apparently these poor schmoes have other things to do. Like eat lunch while I'm in the waiting room. Where was I? Oh yes, the lab. I am a hard stick. Some people can get the needle right in and get my tasty blood, while others poke and prod and jab me and get nada. Today was a nada. Finally, the girl stuck it in my skin and then moved it around and around underneath to find the vein, and it would fall out between test tubes, and she'd have to wiggle it some more to get it back in, and it would poke up, and OH! That is going to leave a bruise.

After the vampires, I had to go to radiology for some chest x-rays. The tech really was about ten years younger than me and was very... 21-ish, frat boyish, you know the type? Into himself. But he was also, at the same time, very nice, and called me over to look at my  pictures and show me what was what. Lungs, spine, saggy boobs - I can see all that for myself.

Lastly, I had to wait at the pharmacy for ever. It's always a long wait there, unless you go in the middle of the night, which we have. But it's good for people-watching, and I did a lot of that. I like to look at people's bauplans, or body plans. It's not really the right word - it's the German for the structure of different species of animals, but I like to use it when I'm people-watching and figuring out how different folks are put together. They really do come in all shapes and sizes, don't they? And mine is not great, but it's definitely not the worst I've seen. I've seen lots and lots better, though, and I want to be one of those! The one thing I hate to see is when someone is really fat in the torso but has super skinny, nice legs that they can show off. It's so unfair. If you're going to be fat, be fat all over, like moi!

Finally, I was able to leave, six hours after my arrival. Six dang hours. When it was beautiful and sunshiny and warm and lovely outside. When my kids were at home playing with Steph and the bunny and waterguns and what-have-you. I know there are about 180 (literally! because you are so crazy, Stephanie!) pictures of their day on my camera, but I've not had a chance to go through them yet.

When I returned, and she left, Jack was sleeping, and the girls were in need of some downtime. I sent them upstairs and finally took a load off, but I don't think either of them slept. And Jack came down about five minutes after I sat down to relax, so I may as well have kept them up, too. He wanted cereal, he wanted a fruit snack, he wanted some bread, he wanted a drink, he wanted wanted wanted.

Rob came home, and we took a short snooze while Jack played near us, and then I woke up and had him go fetch his sisters. We went outside then, to play with waterguns and ride bikes. I do have some pictures from that, but I am still not in a picture-uploading frame of mind today. More tomorrow, as we've got a gloriously unplanned weekend.

The neighbors (Satchi, the Japanese lady, and Joel) came over with their kids, and we hung out and talked and let them share the wagon and waterguns. It's fun, having neighbor friends. I like that a lot.  Finally, we decided to just hop in the car and go to Moe's (Welcome to Moe's!) for a late dinner out, instead of our usual Friday night pizza night.  Good stuff, that Moe's.

Next door was the shop Five Below - have y'all ever been in one? Everything is five bucks or under. It was my first time in there. Chloë's watergun was leaking profusely tonight, so I thought I'd go in there and see if they had any better ones. Well, they had some big honkin' guns, and since the cheapy ones I bought have been such a hit, I thought they could use some more - and we could, too! If it gets warm this weekend (which it's not supposed to), we'll be outside with those!  So fun. I love getting wet when it's warm outside.

And that, my friends, is all the news that's fit to print.