Feeling Pangs Of Sadness
22 August 2008
I'm getting rid of my old life right now. My old self is going to the recycling bin.
What I mean is, since I'm redoing my office into a craft room, I'm going through and getting rid of lots of things that we just don't use enough to keep storing. One of those things is my old filing cabinet, which I've had since I graduated college. It's filled with things from my old life:
- Scientific papers I read, discussed, taught about, sweated over... in graduate school.
- My acceptance into the most prestigious Ph.D. program on the planet in my field! (I still remember the day I got it, what a feeling!)
- My applications to grad school
- Transcripts galore
- Statements of my goals and dreams, applications for fellowships, all kinds of academic, intellectual hoo-ha
There's also mad, passionate love letters from the beginning of Rob's and my relationship, all kinds of cards and letters I've received since I was a kid, and information about having a baby from when I was pregnant with Chloë Raine.
It's bittersweet. If I could keep everything, I would. But I am trying to get out of that packrat mentality, because the inner me really wants to be a minimalist. I am keeping some of that stuff, of course - it's necessary to have the transcripts and résumés - but I am dumping a lot of it right into the recycling bin.
I had a wistful thought, for a second: "Back then, I thought I was going to become something someday. Be someone."
But then another shoved that away: "You are. A mom."
And another: "And it's not too late..."
Time will tell what I end up doing with my life. If this is it, so be it. I am surrounded by those I love and who love me. And that, right now, is enough.