I think I've finally had some sort of epiphany, and here it is: I don't believe in Christian Science.
I really don't.
(For those who haven't known me my whole life or more than an hour, I was raised a Christian Scientist. We didn't go to doctors and shunned the medical community. The idea was to heal as Jesus healed, through prayer. My mother died when I was 7; she was 33. I am now 33. Feel free to ask questions if this post raises any for you; it is more for me to get my thoughts out at this late - nay, early - hour, so that I can remember them the next time I talk to my father.)
I don't feel like Christian Science "works." I think even saying "this works" or "This has worked in the past" or "this will work for you," the word "works" as my father kept saying to me the other day, when talking about healing the lump in my boob, connotes some sort of magical powers instead of faithful, healing prayer. I don't know, enough about that part.
I feel like with Christian Science, it's more intellectualized, metaphysical mumbo-jumbo, that has to be said just right, instead of straight faith and belief talking. I feel like I'm trying to believe what I say, instead of saying what I believe. Like I'm trying to convince myself of what I'm saying, instead of having the fervent belief that what I'm hoping for can be achieved.
I feel like it's trickery, like I'm trying to bed God's will to my own, rather than just surrendering myself to His will.
Aren't I supposed to surrender? Aren't I supposed to give it up to Him? "Thy will be done." Not MY will; isn't all this metaphysical wording basically a way of trying to inflict my desires upon the thing that isn't wanted? Whatever problem it is?
And if this worked... why is my mother dead? Why is my son dead? If this worked, she would be alive, he would be alive, there would be no war, no famine, no pestilence or pain, no sin, no disease, no death - and everybody would be doing it. Everybody. It would be a utopia. No one would need glasses or a root canal. Everything would be... perfect.
But only One is perfect. We are all flawed. How can we bend these sneaky prayers into trying to make things perfect, when we are, by creation, NOT?
So I don't believe in it. I don't believe it, I don't believe it, I don't believe it. God damn it, I don't believe it!!!!!!!!!!
And I won't do it. I can't do it. I can't make myself believe what I know I don't. I would just be going through the motions, doing it for my dad instead of for myself, biding my time until I go do it my way, which is going to the doctor and praying. For God's will to be done.
I feel better now that I've gotten this off my chest. Maybe now I can get some sleep. Lord knows I need it.