I just did an interview for the March bulletin of CLIMB, (the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth, of which we have been members and supporters since our son Robby died on March 25, 2003), since his and Jack's birthday are coming up in a few weeks. I thought I'd share the interview here, too... I don't think their website is working right now, but check back periodically if you're interested in reading more about what they do. They have been invaluable to me during the healing process over the last seven years.
1. Your name and some details about your twin who died, and other children (if any, living or previous losses)...
Melanie O, mother of Chloë, 8; Robby, who died 7 years ago from complications of Twin-Twin Transfusion Syndrome; Jack, Robby's surviving twin, and Sophia, nearly 5.
2. When I remember my baby, I...Well, I never forget him. I think about him every day. Sometimes I think about him on my own, and I'm fine and don't get upset. Other times, something external will trigger a memory about him, or the pregnancy, and my heart will break all over again.
3. The worst part is...When people think that I should be "over" it. I don't care that it's been seven years. When it's been 107 years, it will still hurt. The pain never goes away.
4. I have coped with anger by... going to intensive therapy and taking lots of medication. Seriously!
5. I still have problems with...Blaming myself. The "if only" syndrome plays a big part in the grief process, I think. IF ONLY I had been more vocal about knowing something was wrong... maybe he'd still be here.
6. I have learned that...I'm stronger than I thought I was. I thought losing him would kill me - and it nearly did - but somehow I've managed to get myself back again and even, surprise of surprises, desire to live a long life. Not just for my other children, not just for my husband, but for me.
7. What surprised me the most was... when people would say - and it happened often - "but you still have Jack." How on earth could people think that just because they were born at the same time, they are interchangeable? One does not replace the other. I had two boys. I dreamed about two boys, about their lives, their futures, their antics! Yes, we are so grateful and thankful that Jack survived, but that absolutely did not diminish the pain of losing Robby. It was probably the worst thing anyone could have said to me.
8. I no longer think that... doctors know everything. They mess up. They make mistakes. They don't have all the answers.
9. I remember when... I was pregnant, and the boys started moving. I could tell where twin "A" was and when he moved, and when twin "B" was moving. Robby (A) liked to hang out down low, and Jack (B) was always holed up in my ribs like a little bunny rabbit in his nest. I used to sit on the couch with the TV remote on my belly, and Robby would kick it off! It's good, but also hard, to remember the times when he was a healthy baby-to-be, and life was wonderful. Things changed altogether too fast.
10. My husband and I feel close when... both of us are remembering about something, and we cry together. It doesn't happen nearly as often now, but when it does, there's no stronger bond.
11. The best times to remember my baby are... for Christmas and his birthday, we like to bring a present in his memory to the PICU at the hospital where the boys were born and think about making another sick child happy. Also, I think about Robby and feel like it's my one chance to sort of "parent" him when I'm knitting or crocheting things for the charity, CARE Package, we started in his name. Please check us out at www.carepackageinc.com!
12. The worst times to remember my baby are...The three days between the boys' birthday and the day he died. I keep a sort of vigil for him in my heart, mind and spirit, sort of like a re-enactment. I always wish the end turns out different, but it never does. In the end, he's still gone. It hurts so completely.
13. Sometimes I wish...that I could know whether he was growing up in heaven, or whether he'll always be a baby there. I hope I find out someday!
14. When I could handle it again, I started talking about him more freely. At first, it was too painful, and I didn't want to discuss him with people I didn't know well. Now, I can talk about him easily and without crying or hurting too badly. It feels good to be able to do that.
15. On their birthday, we send balloons up to heaven to Robby. Always blue ones, a big bunch. Jack likes doing that so much that he sends his balloon up to Robby whenever he gets one from a restaurant or somewhere!
16. When someone asks me how many children I have, I struggle a little. For a long time, I didn't know what to say, but I refused not to acknowledge him. Now, I usually say, "I have three living, and one in heaven." It's very important to me for people to know that I'm the mother of four children, not three.
17. If I could choose whether or not to have twins again...I would do it in a heartbeat, if they were identical like Jack and Robby. I was disappointed when Sophia turned out to be a singleton, because I wanted twins again so badly. If I could have identical twins tomorrow, even adopted ones, I would do it. It was a double loss for us: we lost a baby AND the joy/fun/experience of having identical babies!
Fin.
