TWIR: Friday, One Sick Puppy
28 March 2010
Friday, I didn't sub because I was sick, myself. I'd caught Jack's stomach bug, and I was down for the count.
So that made only ONE day this week that I picked up a subbing job. Kind of sucks, doesn't it? But, it can't be helped, and I'm glad that I have a job with exactly the kind of flexibility I need so I can be there when my kiddos need me.
I was supposed to be volunteering that night at Movie Night, but I called off because there was just no way. I mean, I had it bad. I was miserable. I felt awful. But the good news was, I weighed myself and am now officially in the 160s! Not bad after starting in the 340s! I'm SO excited about that!!
Now, one thing that you may or may not have noticed is, I never mentioned the anniversary of Robby's death. And truth be told, it's because when I was posting all these "Week in Review" updates, I plum forgot about it. And that's right to the point.
I had kind of been feeling guilty all week, because I kept noticing that I wasn't keeping the same sad vigil that I always do, every year, in those three days between the boys' birthday and his death anniversary. It was kind of an afterthought for me this year, and whenever I found myself remembering it was coming up, and realized that I hadn't been thinking about it every waking moment, I felt bad.
But then I thought, why? Why should I feel bad? I certainly don't need a looming date on the calendar to remind me that I have a dead son. I know that sounds awful, but I don't mince words when it comes to Robby. He is dead, he died, he is gone, and to use a pretty euphemism like "he's passed" or "he's gone to live with the Lord" frankly pisses me off. I don't even want to hear it from someone else. My son is dead, and there's no two ways about it.
But I don't need the calendar to remind me of that. I live it every day. Really, realizing that it's not weighing down those three days of my life so heavily is actually quite freeing. I can feel what I want to feel, when I want to feel it. I know that he's gone. I know that he was here. I felt him, I held him in my arms, I watched him catch his last breath. He was HERE. He was REAL. And he's really GONE now. That date, it's just a date.
I don't have to look at the calendar anymore to tell me "these are the days to be sad." I'll feel it when it comes, and if it doesn't come on those days, hey, it's okay. It's just one more step in the process.