A Closer Look

So...

I haven't been posting much here lately, except for the memes, really. I know that's pretty lame. I have TONS of stuff to talk about, and lots of pictures to share, but no time!

One thing that has been going on here is my return to therapy. I've been going twice a week, for about a month now, to a new therapist I'll call "MC."

MC is seriously good at her job - she's probably the best therapist I've ever had, and this ain't my first time at the rodeo - but I'm not entirely sure I want to stick with her. I guess I probably will, because I'm pretty far into it now, and I do NOT like to change therapists or find a new one. But I really don't think I like her very much, as a person, and she annoys me on a regular basis.

So while I feel like I'm making some serious progress into fixing ME, I'm a little conflicted about that. But like I said, I'll probably stick with her to avoid having to find yet another new shrink.

Evidently, MC feels like there is quite a lot going on inside this ol' brain of mine, because twice-weekly therapy isn't something I've experienced often; I don't even remember going that often when Robby first died! Maybe I did... It has been a long time.

It's kind of hard, obviously, to post about going to therapy. It's taking up so much of my time, both in and out of MC's office, because I am actively working very hard on changing myself. I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better me to myself. Oh, I know, we can all make improvements, but there are some things I really do not like about who I have become, and I want to eliminate them from my life.  Yet, to post about those things here would be very revealing, and although I am the self-described "Queen of TMI," I am not sure I'm quite ready to lay my soul bare to the world like that.

And at the same time, I feel like I need to talk about it, outside of my 45 minutes (because she's always late, and yet she cuts me off at the "right" time regardless) with MC. I feel like I need to unload, and maybe I feel like I need to be more accountable for my progress. Maybe I need to share with someone else the changes I have made within myself.  Maybe I just want you to know that I recognize I am flawed, and while I no longer aspire to be perfect, I want to fix those things about myself that can be hurtful to the people I love.

So, basically, we are working on undoing all of the damage that my ex-stepmother (aka TBFH or "The Bitch From Hell," as I've long thought of her) did to me for 10 years of my childhood. She continues to control so many parts of me, many of which I'm only now realizing. It's kind of shocking, actually. Every new thing we talk about, MC and I, every little thing we uncover, we can trace right back to TBFH and her cruelties. Who knew? Who knew that the reason I hate being late so much was because of her and what she did to me on a regular basis?

I can't even go into the details. It's hard for me to even discuss them with MC, in a protective environment, because it is so painful to recall. She asked me today, what do I think of, when I think of TBFH? And I couldn't. I don't. My mind ricochets around so quickly through those 10 years of my past, and it refuses to settle on any one thing, because it hurts. I mean, it fucking HURTS. It's traumatic, a little bit, to be relieving all of that. And we haven't even scratched the surface. We've talked about rather little things, but not the really nasty stuff. Maybe I should take a Klonopin or two before doing that, so I can relax enough to delve into it. Or something. I'll ask Dr. P. about it...

In the end, I left TBFH behind half my life ago, exactly, and yet she still has a strong hold on my personality. She controls me from afar, without even knowing it, and oh, my God, that sucks. For me, because I continue to be unkind to myself in so many ways, and for my family. In some ways, it's like I am parroting what TBFH did and said to me, to my own family, and that is so not who I want to be to them. I do not want to be a bitch. I do not want to be mean. I do not want to be cruel.

It's my goal to be kind and loving, tender and gentle. I want to be happy and content, and I want to be a source of the same in my husband and children. So, we are working. MC reminds me that it will take time, because this has been going on so long in my life, and that I must be patient with myself. It's hard. It's very hard. I am definitely already improving, but I am taking a lot of mis-steps along the way. I just have to keep picking myself up, recognizing what went wrong, and strive to do better the next time.

Not just for them. For me.

MC tells me at least once every session that I am a good person. She seems to really believe it. It makes me cry every time she says it. Maybe, one day, I will believe it, too.

I hope so.

Fin.