13 December 2010
Thanks for any prayers and positive thoughts you sent my way regarding the trip north and having to see my ex-stepmother after all these years. In the end, I never saw her, because she canceled her trip due to bad weather in Syracuse.
I had been worrying needlessly, after all.
But a surprising feeling surfaced: disappointment. Why? I wasn't really excited to see her. Definitely not.
So I think I can attribute that feeling to two distinct things I was actually looking forward to: getting to show off my beautiful, funny, silly, polite, amazing, wonderful children to someone who might not have expected me to have such beautiful, funny, silly, polite, amazing, wonderful children, and also, showing off myself.
For one thing, I'm a physical stunner now. I mean, I am almost a freak of nature, I'm so strikingly beautiful these days. Okay, okay, I jest, but at 34, I do think I look better now (thanks to the hands of Dr. Thomas Clark and his bariatric surgery team, of course) than I did in high school, so there is that.
But also, I had been working up the nerve for days to go in there and NOT CRY, and I was sure I was going to be able to do just that. At least until I went, shaking and inwardly freaking, back to my car and drove away. Then I could fall apart. But in the moment, in front of her? I was bound and determined not to shrink down to a tenth of my size, shrivel into a puny little pile of pathetic, and sob. I was going to DO it. And I wanted to show THAT off. My adult-ness. My I'm-over-you-ness (even if I'm not). My strength.
And yeah, my hot bod, too.