Apr 20, 2014
Off The Cuff

Girl, Interrupted


What we have here is another extremely personal post about me and what's happening inside my head, and if you don't want to read about that, you may as well close the window now. Otherwise, no complaining, because you were warned!

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I have had a few experiences lately that have led to some major self-discovery which, in turn, led to what could either be described as a psychotic break or a psychotic fix yesterday.

I won't detail the experiences, but I'm going to talk about what they caused. Namely, for the first time ever, in my entire jacked-up life, they made me want to become better and not just managed. Healed and not just able to cope. I suppose I've thought and said I wanted to be better, but I don't think now that I ever really believed I could get there. The experiences I had showed me the possibilty existed that even I, too, could benefit from some serious self-improving and even, maybe, one day, be healed from the massive amounts of tortorous abuse I suffered as a kid.

Step One, then, was recognizing this and the fact that I need to high-tail it back to therapy. 

I hate this part. I hate finding a new therapist, especially after leaving Lynessa, my wonderful therapist with whom I really connected back in Virginia Beach. It's going to be difficult to find someone as great as she was, but I'm not going to settle for anything less, because I need that.

Step Two was doing some self-affirmation. I have extremely low self-esteem, a very poor self-image, so I needed some help with getting started. I started on Instagram and then, largely unsatisfied, made my way over to Pinterest. Odd places to look for self-affirmation, but you know what? It was helpful. I found a lot of great quotes and other pins that started me on the path toward more positive self-thought. 

Included in that was this pin I found quoting the great psychoanalytical mind, Carl Jung, which I immediately put up as my Facebook profile picture:


So powerful for me. 

A lot has happened to me, and I have hung onto it and dwelt on it for years. Decades. It drags me back, sucks me in, chews me up, spits me out, and then starts over. I am so, so sick and tired of that. I don't want to be a chew toy. I want to be able to forgive. 

Forgiveness is difficult. I mean, it's really not, not for me, because if someone wrongs me, I readily forgive them if they apologize

However, the one who hurt me, who literally broke me, has never acknowledged her wrongdoing. She probably never will, and I am far too weak a soul to actively seek that out from her. I spent ten years crying, sitting in a corner, ripping up tissues while I took her abuse, and the thought of confronting her to demand an apology brings my psyche right back to that fragile place.

To err is human; to forgive, divine.

Or so they say.

So my quest, then, is to learn how to forgive her when she hasn't asked for my forgiveness, hasn't offered an apology, hasn't acknowledged how awful she treated me.

It will not be easy. I will need help. And patience, and love, and understanding. And a whole lot of prayer.

Step Three, upon realizing all of this, was to research Carl Jung, who so thoroughly understood what it was that I needed. And I remembered his personality typing, and then I decided to take a Briggs-Meyers Personality Test. I've done it before, but this time I was taking it deathly seriously.

I took this four-question test.

I came up with the results, entirely accurate I am certain, that I am an INFP: Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving (Intoverted Feeling with Extraverted Perception), a.k.a. "The Idealist."

I'm going to talk now a little bit about what that means, but if you want to know more about it, read this page.

The good news about WHO I AM is that all of these things are true about me:

- I am focused on making the world a better place.

- I am highly intuitive about people.

- I make a good friend, with my genuine, deep well of caring about folks.

- While I'm awkward about expressing myself out loud, I am a talented writer.

There is a lot more, but those are some of the salient features of my personality type.

The bad news about WHO I AM is that all of these things are also true about me:

- I hate conflict and care more about how I feel than whether I'm right or wrong.

- I'm not terribly concerned with the mundane details of life and don't make the best housekeeper or bookkeeper.

- I care more about feelings than hard facts and logic.

- I'm a perfectionist, extremely hard on myself, and don't give myself enough credit.

- I take everything personally and think everything is a criticism of me, even when it's not.

The one thing that really struck me about what I learned, though, was the following passage:

"INFPs are usually very intense and sensitive people, and feel seriously threatened by criticism. They are likely to treat any point of view other than their own as criticism of their own perspective. If the INFP does not learn how to deal with this perceived criticism, the INFP will begin to shut out the incoming information that causes them pain. This is a natural survivalistic technique for the INFP personality. The main driver to the INFP personality is Introverted Feeling, whose purpose is to maintain and honor an intensely personal system of values and morals. If an INFP's personal value system is threatened by external influences, the INFP shuts out the threatening data in order to preserve and honor their value system. This is totally natural, and works well to protect the individual psyche from getting hurt. However, the INFP who exercises this type of self-protection regularly will become more and more unaware of other people's perspectives, and thus more and more isolated from a real understanding of the world that they live in. They will always find justification for their own inappropriate behaviors, and will always find fault with the external world for problems that they have in their lives. It will be difficult for them to maintain close personal relationships because they will have unreasonable expectations, and will be unable to accept blame." 

She later went on to say that INFPs in that situation should "seek help."

Guess what? I know! But it was still quite jarring to read it there on the screen.

So my two steps to follow are going to be to seek help... and to write. Henceforth, consider me a writer. Books will be coming. Brainstorming shall commence soon.

Ciao for now.